I think I remember masturbating as far back as when I was like five years old.  Hey, it felt good!  It didn't become a regular habit til' puberty, of course, and then it became a nightly ritual.  Hmm, maybe that's why I didn't have more friends in middle school, I was too busy beating off to make any!  Things got tough in college, what with roommates and all, so I had to time it for when my roommates were all gone, or at least in another room, which was pretty inconvient. But I couldn't just ask them to leave.  ("Hey Ray, take a walk man, I need some time alone."

There are a couple of great things about masturbating that I have to admit.  One is that I'm free of any sort of monogamy.  I can fantasize about any woman I want to, and even change during the act!  What, Natasha Yi isn't doing it for me?  Damn, toss that ho aside and I'll switch over to  Tina Le and have her go down on me.  Memories of girls from high school aren't working?  I just think of Akiyo and that'll take care of the rest.  Yeah, I know there's the whole intimacy and love issue, but hey -- there's nothing romantic about me and my right hand.  Y'know, I'm not gonna cuddle with it and whisper sweet nothings into my thumb.

I never beat off in the bathroom, like I guess most boys did.  It seemed totally sterile and completely unromantic, and I was afraid someone would interrupt me, or hear me, or something.  I just like the warmth of my bed instead, and I just fantasize about doing it in other places.  The sink technique that I was told about (where you do it over a sink to prevent a mess) has been a nice change of pace.  So's the shower -- nice way to take care of morning wood, although visual aids are lacking (don't wanna get my Playboy Special Editions all soggy now, do I?). 

As I've mentioned before, one of the antidepressants I'm on, Paxil, has "sexual dysfunction" as a side effect.  It takes two forms; one is a reduced libido (not a problem with me!), and one is one my psychiatrist calls "difficulty reaching climax".  Basically it takes me a lot longer to cum.  It's a side effect I'd be more grateful for if I had a girl, but when it's just me and Pumpy, it gets tiring and frustrating, and sometimes I get a bit of a cramp.  Damnit, where' s a ho when I need one?

BTW, I've never considered getting a hooker or call girl or shit like that.  Really - strip clubs are where I draw the line (well, I won't cross the line past strip clubs.  OK, maybe prostitution is where I draw the line.  Damn semantics!).  I'd probably be more open to it if, or after, I lost my virginity.  But y'know, I've always had some lame dumb idealistic notion that I'd lose my cherry with someone I cared about, y'know?  Not necessarily someone I'm gonna marry or shit, but someone I was involved with, or at least wanted to get involved with.  So maybe I am destined to never get some.

God damn, I hope my right hand never gets bitten of by a shark.  Wanna torture me?  Fuck beating me or raping me -- just threaten to cut off Pumpy -- I'll say anything you want me to say.