1/14/99 -- The fat slice of the world's population never to be stricken with clinical depression can't appreciate the strength it has on a person.  To give all you lucky bastards an idea of how strong it is, think about this: it's is the only thing, besides a good kick in the nuts, that can slow the flow of testosterone that courses through my brain.  That's right, depression slows down my sex drive.  Antidepressants is that they're supposed to reduce one's sex drive, although when I was on Paxil for a few months, I remember being as horny as ever. 

My family is really screwed up.  My brother's got ADD, depression, and maybe some kind of Tourette's; my mom's an alcoholic, and my dad is a lying untrustworthy crook.  And then there's me.  And I haven't even mentioned the physical things...I had lunch today with Val at the nice Korean place next to my work.  They should hire better looking hostesses there.  Anyhow, she bought me a sweater, which was nice.  I felt bad later, since I think she's so uninteresting.  Well, she is if you're me.  She's dedicated, organized, and is gonna be pulling high five figures in 18 months or so. 

So I feel bored AND inferior.

Last Friday nite I asked Ray for a beer.  He wouldn't give me one.  "Just smoke, Haole."  So I did, and now I'm smoking more cigarettes than I did in college.  Didn't take me long.  I've said before that smoking is like meditation to me -- a Camel Light is like a good koan to me..  At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna reach nirvana by march.  I'll say Hello to Curt.

So I'm smoking, and not running.  Maybe it's a temporary thing.  Maybe not.  Emphysema, not cirrhosis.  My other New Year's resolutions are going OK -- limiting fast food, taking the steps to getting a my license and a car, dealing with Duc.  They're not all something I can all tackle at once, but in a year or so when I look back on em' (provided I live that long), I'm looking to have handled all of em'. 

I'm thinking about getting into swimming.  I didn't learn until I was 12, and I swam a lot that summer, and I don't think I've swam since.  I had swimming in 9th grade, and I was so bad and so out of shape that I elected to sit out and take an "F".  It was my last "F" until a year-and-a-half ago at UCLA, when I was too busy studying Bongology.  There's an olympic-sized pool in Cerritos that I can walk to.

Akiyo's thinking about getting back into swiming (she was big-time in high school), so I suppose that's a reason.  Shit, I need to stop thinking about her.  Me & Pumpy both.

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