-- I used to have the worse gas problem. For the two years that I
lived with Al and Das, I was feared and reviled because of my lethal noxious
emissions. I'd fart like a madman, and they could stop a bull elephant
in its tracks. The source wasn't too hard to pinpoint; the ravenous
consumption of burritos, pizza, and burgers, followed up by the sucking
down of soda or beer, and soda or beer only, caused the power of Haole
to manifest itself. My poop smelled really poo-ey, too.
Whenever I took a dump, the bathroom was unusable, unless I lit a match
or something. It sucked at work, b/c we had these teeny tiny one-stall
rooms that were poorly ventilated, so if someone had a smelly poo, it stayed
in there forever. I resorted to flushing every thirty seconds to
try and cut down on the smell.
Basically, though, I thought I was doomed to a life of being a Fart-Man. Then I went on my Crazy Haole Diet, and loss all that weight, and started to watch what I ate. After I while I noticed, "Hey, no more farts. No more smelly poo. This is amazing!" I'd call my friends in Cali (this was when I was in Florida) and tell em', "I don't fart anymore!" A little too late for them, but whatever. I actually missed them for a second -- they were a defining characteristic, almost like a super-power. I had super-powers, but never utilized them. I failed to live up to Peter Parker's (Spider-Man's) mantra: With great power comes great responsibility.
Upon my return to Cali, I have discovered the one substance that will cause my awesome flatulence emission powers to re-emerge: beer. Beer makes me fart. Painful farts, too, continuous ones. For like the whole next day. Too top em' off, yesterday I had beer and pizza. I'm having to suppress em' every two minutes, so the girl next to me doesn't pass out while trying to create her own web page. Now they don't feel so much like super-powers. Now, once again, it's a curse. Be a good set-up for a comic book, actually -- a guy who wants his powers when he doesn't have em', but loathes em' when he does...