1/7/99 -- Written last nite on the way home from work, somewhere between Compton and Artesia:

I'm sitting here on this bus, having lots of self-destructive thoughts, and I was thinking, "Should I call Nicole?"  Usually when I get really depressed or suicidal, I'll call her.  It's been that way since high school, and since she doesn't charge a fee, it works out pretty well.  Anyhow, I then remembered that her boyfriend is in town from Buffalo, and so now I'm thinking I won't call.  After all, if I was with my boyfriend and I called, I'd be pretty annoyed with me and wouldn't want to talk to myself.

I figured out why I obsess so much about Akiyo -- it's b/c there aren't really that many other women in my life that I'm interested in.  There's Sharon, but she's in Hong Kong.  And that's really about it.  In school, I wuz surrounded by tons of luscious honeys.  But now, it's slim pickens -- middle-aged secretaries just don't do it for me -- I'm not sure who they do do it for, either.

Not that I have a shot at Sharon or Akiyo, but y'know, a guy can dream.  Otherwise it's just me and Pumpy.

<SIGH> I'm fucking mad at myself for getting suicidal again. I was planning on going running for the first time in a few weeks, but I don't feel like running when I'm depressed.  It's too much work.  Shit I don't know what I'm gonna do -- can't drink, can't get high...trying to sleep makes it all worse, and the unpleasant disquietude I feel ruins my enjoyment of anything else.

I managed to get 7 1/2 hours sleep last nite, and I was able to stuff a lot of dreamtime into those precious hours.  One dream had me hanging out with George Bush and talking about things with him over dinner.  I gave him a big hug when he left.  Must be my repressed Log Cabin fantasy, I suppose.

Another dream had me trying to attend my first day of 6th grade at Long Beach Elementary School on Long Island (this reoccurring "Long" thing is probably Freudian).  Actually, my parents were trying to make me find my own way to school.  I found the address, and then went into the bathroom and saw that I had a beard, which made me realize I was 24 and too old to be going to 6th grade.

Then I woke up.

Oh yeah, I have a beard right now.  Didn't plan on it, but I didn't shave when I was sick last weekend, and I haven't since. 


 
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