-- I'm prone to addictions. One of my many addictions has been the
irresistible allure of the golden arches that seem to lurk on nearly every
street corner and in many Wal-Marts. McDonald's has such a huge hold
on me that even during my brief "super-healthy" phase a few months back,
I made Wednesday afternoons an exception so as to take advantage of 29
cent Hamburger Day. Quitting McDonald's is not going to be one of
my easier tasks in life.
(BTW, I noticed that I accidentally double-spaced between all paragraphs in yesterday's entry. I kinda liked it, so I think I'll keep doing it.)
Neither is quitting drinking, which I decided to do on Monday. Cold turkey -- fuckin' put that muthafucka in the freezer, that's hold fucking cold I want it to be. I mean, I got a world-class drinking problem. I drink by myself. A lot. I drink with my friends. A lot. My life outside of my work revolves around drinking -- how much can I drink before I pass out, should I by booze at the liquor store or wait until we go to a bar, etc. There are a lot more relevant questions right now that I should be worrying about rather than the above ones.
Yes, "How can I get some?" is one of those questions, and yes, alcohol is often involved in the act of "getting some." Phil's most recommended strategy for getting some is the two step, "1. Get em' Drunk. 2. Attack em'." So I realize that quitting drinking will make a few areas of my life difficult.
Like socializing. I have made alcohol the primary social activity of my life. If there's nothing to do, we can always drink. And when there is something to do, drinking can often be worked into it. I'm surprised I've never gotten loaded and seen a movie (although I have gotten high many o' time and seen movies. Event Horizon was the best). Sitting around playing video games is a drinking activity, especially when playing against friends. I can't remember what it's like to play NCAA 99 or Golden Tee without booze being at stake. And since I usually have my ass handed to me by Das, I end up drinking the most.
It's something where I know I can't stop, either. I don't just have one drink and that's it -- I gotta have three. I think the last time I had one drink and quit was when I first met Akiyo, and I was trying to impress on her the fact that I wasn't an alcoholic. (So see, my not drinking was an attempt at getting some. A failed attempt, true...argh, don't get me frustrated by NGAS, lemmee make my point!).
But I am an alcoholic. I mean, I really have a hard time limiting what I drink. And I do it non-stop. I think I drank every day last week. It runs in my family, and it runs in me. At some point I have to start cutting down. Now, while I busy running my life into the ground, seems like as good a time as any. Granted, I'm not at the point yet where I miss work b/c of drinking (somehow this has unofficially seemed to become be the measuring stick), but I'm hoping to stop before it gets to that point. Or worse. In any case, a lot of people have been fond of telling me as of late that I "have a lot off issues". Apparently I have enough issues that I should be able to complete the series and sell em' to a collector, but I don't think I'd get much for them at today's market. (OK, lame attempt at humor). But seriously, I've got enough problems in my life that I don't need booze getting in the way of me trying to solve them, which I need to begin doing. Now.
What I'm worried about is if I'll be able to do it, and how I'll react to situations where everyone is drinking and I'm not. I know it's gonna cost me time with my friends -- what fun am I at a bar if I'm not drinking -- and so I'm gonna have to deal more with the issue of loneliness and isolation, and it's a problem I'll have to face without trying to drink my way around it. Wow, this is gonna be really tough. I also have to deal with the fact that I no longer can say "I'm Haole, the boring guy who likes to drink," (not that I've ever actually said it like that), just, "I'm Haole the boring guy who can't drink."
I realized how tough it's gonna be during lunch, when, instead of enjoying my burgers the way I normally do, I thought about booze. And since I got back to work, I've been sitting here typing out this rambling entry about (ta-DA!): booze.
This fucking sucks, I'm getting depressed over the fact that I can't drink, and that I'm gonna feel like an idiot b/c of it. Argh! I guess I'll do what I can. Since I'm not coming to work b/c of Thanksgiving, I won't be able to update this bad boy until Monday.
Hope that I can make it until then.
Oh yeah, tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Well, at least for us here in America. Those stupid Canadians have it on a different day. But they also talk kinda funny and use blue and red money, so you know, they're kind of stupid. I don't think Indians celebrate Thanksgiving, either. Maybe they have "National Casino Day" or something instead.