11/5/98 -- I'm losing my blackness.      Yesterday I wanted to buy some CDs.  Blockbuster and Best Buy were closing, and I couldn't get Ray to take me to Tower, so I walked to (gack) Borders.  If that isn't white enuff (yeah, I know I applied for a job at Borders before.  Please shut up and let me rant), I strolled around the music section for 15 minutes before I realized it -- I hadn't looked at even one CD by a non-white performer.  I was looking at Marilyn Manson, Hole, Offspring, and trying to find other CDs from white acts.  I had completely ignored the Hip-Hop section and the R & B section, not to mention any international jams.  It's not just black music, but any music from non-white acts that I'm ignoring.      What happened?  Why am I going all white?  I'm listening to KROQ and Y-107 more than Power 106 or the Beat.  Christ, I'm turning into a white boy.  I wanna be seen as something different, something with an edge, able to say the latest in that African-American jive talk that all the coloreds use and...      Ahh!  Help me!       OK, I'm in Hyperbole King mode.  But still -- I used to be down with hip-hop, sort of a mini-authority on it amongst my none-too-black friends.  Now every time I'm in Das' ride he asks me, "What do you think of this song?" as he bumps some MC I've never heard of.   Meanwhile, my attempts to get back into music involve me listening to formulaic agnst-ridden white guys and girls whining about being paranoid or something.       I don't want to be this mainstream.  I wanna have my edge, my thang, my groove....instead I'm just a whitey in a shirt and tie, listening to the same music that 15-year olds in Diamond Bar are listening to.      At least I still despise traitor bitches.  But that's for another day.