12/3/98 -- Hope I'm able to post this today.  After patiently waiting six months, I decided last week to make today the day I get my Lexis training.  Lexis is one of the big two on-line legal research engines, and it's quite handy to know when you work in a law library and attorneys want cases, corporate information, crap like that.  So I went and got it, and then had the Deej and the Duc both crack on me for getting it when I should have been getting caught up on the mail that's been piling up. 

Of course the reason why I got behind on mail is because I've been taking care of requests that those two have been sloughing off onto me, but little things like that escape notice when you're middle-aged and retarded.  And gay -- wow, they have a lot in common. 

So now I'm slogging through the mail, thinking about how much I hate my job.  Not really; I'm in a pretty decent mood.  Duc's been going through hell b/c his boyfriend cheated on him, although you're not supposed to know that (and neither am I), and while I feel like I should feel sorry for him, I really don't, b/c I don't like the bastard. 

I was thinking about that recently -- being nice to someone not b/c I need to be, but b/c I want to be.   I've been giving Duc the cold brush off b/c he's an asshole who annoys me, even though I knew he was going through some shit.  So I figured I should be nice to him.   But that felt too weird, so now I'm like whatever.  I'm not mean to him (beyond the fact that I'm spilling his personal life out here onto the net), but I dunno, I don't know how to be nice to somebody.  I'm just the way I am to people, and most people think I'm nice b/c of it.    Or at least they used to; now they think I'm a freeloading idiot.  Or a nebbish.  Oh, for the days of yesteryear...

I've been thinking about Akiyo too much lately.  Argh!  I dunno why.  It's not like I'm particularly hurt by the quasi-rejection/non-interest.  It was weird -- there was interest, then there wasn't.  Whatever.  I know why I'm thinking about her -- cuz there aren't any other women in my life that I'm interested in, or even that I could consider being interested in.  I'm frustrated, so I tend to think about the women I most recently was interested in.  I mean, for Christsakes, I still think a little about Sharon, and I haven't seen her in...like two years this week.  And she's in Hong Kong!  But yeah, there were only two girls at work -- Akiyo, and the chick who turned out to be married -- so I'm outta prospects here. 

Need to meet more chicks.

Need to go to the dentist.  Fuck, need to call insurance company. Argh!


 
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