2/04/98 -- Actually ended up going out for my birthday after all.  A few friends came by who will remain nameless, and we smoked up in some parking lot.  So casual about smoking out -- I've done it on the street, in alleys, in public bathrooms...man, that would sound a lot better if I had been describing my sexual experience there: "I've done it on the street, in alleys, in public bathrooms."  Then I'd be some kind of stud.  
     But yeah, I smoked up, went to a local bar, and had dinner.  I got super-paranoid of drinking any alcohol.  They fucking made me get a vodka-cranberry, which I was drinking slowly.  They kept encouraging me to drink it faster and to drink more, and I got super-paranoid in the bar b/c all I could think about was the last time I had vodka-cranberries.  Last month, I had like 7 in an hour, couldn't handle em', and ended up yakking non-stop that night.  I ended up puking into my hand later on when I crashed at Maya's and didn't want to puke on her floor.  Maya was pissed -- not because I puked in my hand (she didn't know about that), but because I was retching my guts out in her house-sitting site the first nite I stayed there.  But I've digressed; I was paranoid and didn't want to drink much.  So I ate wings instead.  And fries, a burger, and afterwards we all had ice-cream sandwiches.  So yeah, I got paranoid.  I smoked up again, later, and sat in a car and talked about...I dunno what, I forgot.  How surprising.   Also forgot about the cute honey working at Jose Bernstein's.  Jose's is this college food joint -- little place that sells Mexican & deli food.  Dave and Ray used to go there every nite for a while.  Used to be a lot cheaper, and I used to go there a lot more, too.  But now there's this honey working there -- so cute, too.  See, it's good when the Korean man puts money into the community -- he brings along cute little Korean women to work there!  Doesn't offset raising the prices, though.      
     But yeah, I'm not really breaking my no-weed rule; I mean, it'd been a week and all.  And I didn't smoke by myself, and I, uh, did it for a special occasion.   Am I making excuses for myself?  Probably.  I feel like I gotta prove that I can be a fun guy without drugs.  And how can I do that if everyone is offering em' to me?  Well, not everyone.  But I can't say no.   Especially with no money -- what else am I gonna do that's cheap?  Yeah, I'm cheap -- somebody take advantage of me.  Please.    
     But it was cool that I did something for my birthday.  I don't advertise em', so I really appreciate it when people come out and remember it.  Yeah yeah, I can hear the Puritan cries, "If they're giving me weed, then what kind of friends are they?"  Damn good friends!  But it's the thought that counts, right?  They want me to have a good time, and I did.  Word em' up.  It's hard to crack on people if they want to help you have a good time.  I know that lots of people get fucked up big time b/c all they and their friends wanna do is have a good time, and they become losers, but when people mean well, how do you crack on em'?  Different people have different ideas about what is best for their friends.    
     Yo, now I hear Mike Tyson's broke, too.  Add that to Toni Braxton...damn!  And you think about Salt N' Pepa, TLC, MC Hammer...even Will Smith was broke shortly after he first busted out.  All that money, just pissed away.  And I didn't get one cent of it, either!!  I gotta start hanging around black celebrities more often.  Someone should make a homepage dedicated to broke black celebrities -- how they earned their money, how much they earned, and how fast they lost it.    
     Think I asked for too much wage on my Tower application. Hey, I used to make $10 and hour, and I was fucking worth it!  Now I'm scared to apply anywhere else.  Not scared...just hesitant.  It takes so much energy for a shy guy like me to ask for an application, b/c I'm always freaked about what other people will think about me.  Or if it's just a waste of time.  Like sitting here isn't.  Anxiety is a killer.  I used to be on some anti-anxiety medication.  Maybe I can snag some through Student Death.  Anyhow, shyness and anxiety go hand-in-hand with depression.  They're like a tag-team, like the Road Warriors or Brainbusters.  Imagine me taking on the Road Warriors!  They'd beat the living shit out of me.  Which is what depression and anxiety do to me.  Man, where's the Ultimate Warrior when you need em'?  Toughing it out is the way out of it -- standing up and facing my fears, and not letting em' conquer me.  Yeah!  Course if I stood up to Hawk and Animal, they'd beat the hell outta me with their foreheads and then throw me into the third row.    
     BTW, I used to be a crazy insane pro wrestling fan when I was a kid -- must be my redneck roots.   
     Pillow Book's out on video.  Nuttin' like a nekkid Vivian Wu and a nekkid Ewan...well, a nekkid Vivian Wu to ease one's mind.  Especially after watching parts of Kids.  That's a fucked-up movie.  I guess it's good and all -- I didn't watch the whole thing -- but just watching 12-year olds having sex, or simulating it, whatever, is pretty weird.  Speaking of young girls having sex, I heard Dominique Swain (from Face/Off) can't legally do the racy scenes from some new flick with Jeremy Irons.  Dominique's pretty cute.  So's Michelle Kwan, now.  And Natalie Portman.  Oh snap, I'm turning into a pedophile.   Nah, it's not that I' m after any under-age girls, just that some of em' are pretty damn cute.  It's not like they hit 18 and all of a sudden some switch is flicked and they legally become pretty.  It's more like you can have the hots for em' until there 18, and then you pounce on em'.  Reminds me, actually, a little bit of Natalie Portman's conversation with Timothy Hutton (?) in Beautiful Girls.  He was saying how he was willing to wait until she became old enough before they hooked up.  That's dedication.  But hell, for Natalie Portman -- I'd wait, too.    
     And it's not like I was turned on by any of the girls in Kids.  Or any girls who are, like 14 and under.  
     Plus Jeremy Irons is in some love flick with Gong Li.  Damn, Dominique Swain and Gong Li -- Jeremy Irons is my new hero.    
     Whew!  I've almost spent three hours in the CLICC lab -- the same three hours I was supposed to be at my history seminar.  Time management, baby.
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