A lot of the things that I found myself morally opposed to in high school or early in college, I now find myself relishing in them.  Drugs, strip clubs, booze (well, I used to)...I used to think I was some kind of moral liberal saint. Now I realize that I'm a dirtbag.  I mean really, I'm a sleazeball.  A sleazeball library clerk.  That doesn't sound too good.  I need to be a lawyer or a hitman or a professional football player -- those are good occupations to be sleazy in.  I guess I gave in and surrounded myself with people who were interested or open to those ideas.  In high school, my friends and I were, for the most part, goody-goodies, limiting our hijinks to shit like toilet papering random peoples houses and cars and shit.  Real kid stuff.   (Once a friend and I poured Kaopectate on a set in an open car window, and shoved a plum in the tailpipe of the car.  We didn't even know whose car it was). When I got to UCLA, I started to hang out with people who drank, smoked up, went to strip clubs, and other shit like that.  I think I saw them as an excuse to go out and do it.   Not too many of them were gettin' any either -- so see, it's not my fault, it's my immoral, NGAS-infected college buddies!  Argh, I should have picked better friends to hang out with!

I decided yesterday morning that I am going to move in with Jenny fer a couple of months during the summer.  It'll give me incentive to start getting things done with my life -- buying a car and moving out of Ray's house, for one thing.  I'll miss his mom screaming my name in passion, though, heh-heh.  But yeah, as much as anything I see it as an opportunity to give myself a good kick in the ass.  Or rather, Maya's giving me a kick in the ass by moving out.  Plus, I still feel bad about Maya and her sister's apartment from November, especially after Maya (and Jenny) helped me out last year by letting me stay with them -- twice.  I figure whatever short-term torture I endure from Jenny will be worth it in the long run.  I was still kind of on the fence about the whole thing until Das and I were up on E and started talking about it.  Somehow he convinced me to go ahead with it.  See, drugs can be productive!

Gotta go by some more E tonite from Drug Dealer John.  I saw Go over the weekend, and it's a startling coincidence -- E plays a major part in the movie.  But there's also a line where this limey is telling Taye Diggs that his drug dealer buddy is a "good guy."  Taye replies, "Oh, he's a good drug dealer..." But that's how I think of John -- he's a really nice and helpful drug dealer.   I'm not gonna get any bud though, or if I do, it'll just be a little to help myself and company come down from the E high.  But I don't want start buying bud like it's a weekly habit, like it was a couple of years ago.  It makes me fat, and it kills motivation and ambition ("Unless your ambition is to get high and watch TV" <-- Melanie from Jackie Brown.  Also gettin' some for Phil.  Err, gettin' some E, not "getting some" from Phil.  I've made it a promise to myself that if I ever do "get some" (not "get some E", but, well, never mind) the first thing I'm gonna do is call Phil.  Actually, I'm gonna see if homegirl wants to do it again and again until we wear out the springs of the bed, assuming we're still on it.   Then when she falls asleep from exhaustion, I'll call Phil.  He's been my biggest "gettin some" cheerleader, so I figure I owe it to him for all the time I sat around stoned and saying to him, "Aw man, I need to get some!"

Got a yahoo! pager account.  That really kicks ass, I didn't know how good it was -- it let me know when I got mail so I don't have to keep Navigator open and reload every ten minutes.  OK, mebbe it's old news to the rest of the wired world, but for me and my work computer, it's a revolution. 

Shit, I haven't been really in the throes of a depressive episode recently.  It's kind of scary.  I mean, I'm depressed clinically, but I'm not depressed emotionally b/c of the medication I'm on.  My self esteem continues to do about as well as the Indonesian economy, but at least I don't worry about it as much.  I also haven't been, uh, "spending time with myself" recently, either.  I've tried to, but b/c of this stupid Paxil, I risk a hand cramp everytime I try.  Hmm, mebbe not jerking off is why I'm not depressed!  Correlation?  Causation?  Something like that.  I wonder if they have Tantric techniques for it; masturbating for like 8 hours or something.  I dunno how'd they get around chafing problems, though.

Damn, today's April 20.  I've been writing 4/20 all day long.  Everytime I do it, I start fiending for some bud.  Must resist.