4/21/99 --  I find myself curiously drawn to this teenage rampage outside of Denver.  Usually I avoid any news item that has the potential to become an American media circus, but for some reason this whole massacre has drawn my attention.  Mebbe it was coming home and finding the good fortune that Geraldo Rivera missed it -- he's in Albania and can't wrap his slime-covered tentacles around another tragedy in the US.  If Geraldo's not on the job, then maybe I'll watch and read about it. 

Everybody likes to think that, in the end, the bad guys get the shaft and the good guys get the girl and live happily ever after (Well, aside from Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid II -- you didn't see Tamlyn Tomita in Karate Kid III, didja'?  No, she probably decided to stay true and find herself a Japanese dood.  Or an Okinawan one, whatever).  But what if that doesn't happen?  In high school, dorks hate, or at least dislike, most jocks b/c their assholes.  Like Josh Stang -- y'know what the asshole told me in 8th grade? That fucker said...err...I'm digressing, sorry.  Anyhow, in high school the jocks and related popular kids get the hotties, the dorks get no one, and it seems like it'll never end.  The best thing a dork can hope for is that he'll do really well in college and get a good job and makes lots of money while the jocks end up working at a mechanic shop (although this example doesn't apply to jocks who study, of which there were quite a few at my high school, like Todd LaRocque -- that fucker is probably fucking some hott--err, uh, sorry I'm digressing again).  But hoping for that isn't enough for a lot of people, especially if you're impatient and don't want to wait for ten years down the line.  When you get picked on and treated like shit in school, you get embittered towards your tormentors and look for acceptance elsewhere, and then you and your buddies might take a shotgun and some pipe bombs and blow em' away.  The fact that you're basically killing everyone, and not the baseball team or whoever the hell it is you hate kind of gets lost in the adrenoline rush.

Conformity dominates all societies, and in modern society the media magnifies that by showing you celebrities and people in commercials who also want you to conform.  But everybody can't conform -- the very notion of conformity implies that there are non-conformists or deviants.  If you can't conform -- if you don't look good enough, have the ends to afford it, or simply don't have the right mindset or tastes to conform, then you'll be left out.  Of course, there are others who can't conform for similar reasons, and then they gravitate towards each other and form their own little clique.  This one just happened to have lots of guns and a deranged idea of vengeance.

Not that I'm excusing these racist sociopathic assholes for anything.  Ideally, the SWAT team should have blown their kneecaps off and thrown the two of em' in a cage with twelve bruthas who'll be calling them "Mary" for the rest of their godforsaken lives.  And I'm assuming that these dumb fucks never got any, either.  So maybe it was just sexual frustration, and that's why they especially hated black guys so much...aha, penile envy. 

I also realize I've taken a very masculine stand on this whole thing -- that guys are the ones who get tormented and who might respond this way.  Chicks get picked on too, but fuck it, let some female angst-ridden nutjob write about it.  I guess this whole thing just triggered something in me (and I'm a man, damnit!).  For me, it was about suicidal fantasies in high school and college, and I guess life after that as well.  I'd be found hanging from a shower rod or with a the back of my head blown open, and then everybody would be shocked and feel so sorry for me and they'd castigate those who crushed my self-esteem underneath their shoes. Oddly enough, when I did try to kill myself, I didn't once mention or have a thought of it as revenge.  Hmm, whatever.

I realize I've made light of this whole deal in a pretty fucking flippant matter.  It's not b/c I don't have respect or sadness for those who were injured or killed, it's just that, I dunno, I had a lot to say and only twenty minutes to type it all up and say it.  And this is how I did it.  Sorry if you're peeved.

In other, less dramatic news, this morning I trimmed the upper lip of my goatee with a nail clipper b/c I couldn't find a small scissors to use, I bought a load of E and listened to Drug Dealer John tell me about this girl he fucked who made him cum in ten seconds, I lost the leftover E pill I had, proving the symbiotic adage that Only Losers Use Drugs and Only Users Lose Drugs, and I fixed the garbage disposal using a gum wrapper and duct tape.  OK, I just pushed the circuit breaker in -- kudos to Stung for pointing out the problem to me.

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