4/26/99 -- My sick day induced three-day-weekend turned out to be three days of depression and boredom.  Friday was a dud. I made Saturday into a dud by doing laundry and being too bummed to look for a car.  I also didn't feel like going out with Maya and Jenny like I promised, so I flaked on them once again.  They must hate me.  I certainly do.  Sunday was more of the same -- doing nothing, being nothing.  I should be a nihilist, if I knew what that was. 

Then today I talked to Akiyo.  She told me what a great weekend she had, how she went to the LA Times Book Fair (which I wanted to go to), and how she went buckwild shopping for clothes (which I wanted to do), and that her boyfriend's parents are coming into town and they're gonna check out the Van Gogh exhibit (which I want to do! ...with my girlfriend's parents.  If I had one.)  Argh, I'm so damn frustrated!  Boppity-boppity-smack! (Sounds of Haole hitting his computer at work, not of Haole beating his meat).

There's something very appealing about my depression -- I'm familiar with it and I know how it works, so I can settle into it.  It's not challenging from a mental aspect, only an emotional one, and I have no one to let down or disappoint.  I can wallow in it like a pig in shit.  I'm only happy when it rains <-- Terrific, I'm finding meaning in the song titles by Garbage, one of the more lyrically-challenged bands out there.  But I find comfort in its familiar face.  Recently when I've felt more positive and upbeat, I haven't known what to do with the feelings and they go to waste.  Sometimes I think I should run out and say to some girl, "Look, I'm as bright and cheerful as I'll ever be.  Wanna go out and get a pizza?!?!" But my lack of self-esteem still manages to hold me back.  Well, that and the fact that the girl's black belt boyfriend would probably unload one right to the solar plexus, and I'd be crumpled on the ground in a world of pain.  It's just such a rare feeling to not be kicking myself in the head, that I wish I could share it with someone. 

In case you haven't figured it out, I think my transition from Paxil to Wellbutrin is getting worse before it gets better.  I hope.  Plus, I think they're interfering with my brain's ability to metabolize and enjoy ecstasy.  Fuck!  I think I'll need three to really get grooving.  I took one on Saturday night as an experiement to see if my medication was preventing me from enjoying it.  It was. What a waste of damn money.  Argh

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday, so I thought about just going over to Best Buy and picking up a computer.  Then I realized it was nearly closing time, so that was shot to hell.  Probably for the better.  They are just so damn cheap now, though.  Well, relatively cheap.  I figured since I've been shelling out cash to Ray, why not treat myself to a computer?  I don't really have anywhere to put it for the moment, though.  I wanna have it by the time I move in with Jenny, though.  It's been so long since I've lurked for nudie pics, and I long for the familiar refrain of, "Oops, sorry, I think cut you of.  I just need to use the phone for a minute!"

Actually, I have no urge to look at nudie pics.  I think all my frustration coupled with my experiences at strip clubs have sapped the interest out of looking at pictures of girls in different positions.  Y'know, you've seen one naked girl stretched out in some unimaginable position to show you a different perspective of her crotch, you've seen em' all.  There ain't nothin' but the real thang, baby.

My moms is coming out next month.  Great.  I get to blow the rest of my vacation time with her.  Vacation time AND family time should be two separate things that employees accumulate.  <SIGH> Well, she's helping me buy a car, so I guess I should be nice and spend time with her.  And we are approaching Mother's Day.  Damn my guilty conscience.

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