4/8/99 -- Like nearly everyone, I do stoopid things.  Unlike everyone, I don't learn from my mistakes.  Last nite, alone and bored, I hit upon a great idea -- let's get high.  Ray had mentioned that he had a teeny amount of bud in his desk that wasn't his.  Leaving me alone in a house with bud somewhere is like leaving Bill Clinton alone in a sorority house.  I quickly found the two roaches and a dribble of leftover weed crumbs in his desk, and proceeded to light em' up.  After doing so, I then stumbled upon an idea so great that I think it must have been a divine revelation: I should go to Krispy Kreme. 

Of course, I'm an atheist so that rules out divine intervention.  I'll chalk it up to my amazing-fucking-intellect instead.  (Speaking of divine intervention, don't you think the world would be a more fun place if Moses left most of the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai?  Maybe just come back with like three or four of them?)

Anyhow, I found Ray's keys on his desk, and I also grabbed a pen and one of those notepad cubes that businesses give out.  (Wow, Ray's desk was a treasure trove for me last night).  I grabbed the pen and cube b/c I thought of another great idea -- why don't I record my experience for Stark Raving Mad?  Donning a pair of slippers, I set off.

I sort of regret the whole thing.  It falls into the category of "bad ideas", as well as  the much more serious category of "felonies" (DUI in a car not belonging to you is a felony, right?).  I also sort of hesitate to put up my scribbles b/c I realized that rather than writing about my thoughts and actions that occurred, I did an action so I could write about it.  It sort of feels like a contrived story, like something an NBC news program would do.  But fuck it, I'll put it up and deal with the guilt and consequences later.  Consider it a nite with Haole, and what I'm like when I smoke up. 

What follows is what I scribbled down behind the wheel of Ray's car last nite.  It's verbatim but not with explanations, so you'll probably feel sort of lost on most of them.  I numbered the notepad slips so that I could put them together this morning.  Unfortunately, in my faded state, I couldn't keep accurate track of my numbers, either.  Here we go...

  • 1) Hot!  Yes we are -- Sluts! Yes we are.  Krispy Kreme is going to be so good.  Buddy Bud is better, though.
  •  2) Feel like Beavis and Butthead stealing their mom's car to get nachos.
  • 3) No, Hunter S. Thompson w/this cigarette + paper +  pad + driving.  Gonzo Journalism.  Haole Journalism!
  • 4) Wow, Ray's car gets up to 60 easier than I thought.
  • 4) That's OK girl, as long as you got your fingers, you're OK.
  • 5) I wonder if Stung smokes bud.
  • 6) Shit!  This line is enormous!  Fuck, my buzz'll wear off before I get any!  Shit, what the hell should I DO?
  • 7) Fuck, I'll get back in!  OK, I'm like this w/the civic ahead of me:
  • 8) I'm side by side w/his back rear tire. This is a bad idea!  Shit, I'm so faded.
  • 9) Fucking SUV's!  Outlaw em'!  They take too long in line at Krispy Kreme!  They each get enuff to feed Eritrea!
  • 9) Motherfucker!  Uh, why I'd say that?  Not enuff honeys in LA Habra, but there's a few.  Why would people live so far from the freeway!?
  • 10) Oh, Eldumb is on NBA.Com chat tomorrow!  Do the chat, Do the Chat, Shoot the Ball, Shoot the Ball.
  • 11) Y'know Rodzilla smokes mad bud.  Argh, too many ajimas, not enuff yuhjahs!. 
  • 12) I wonder if the wigger at the 17th floor thinks I'm cute?  Or the honey on 16?  We need a 69 floor!
  • 13) Fuck, this line is so long, I'm afraid to look how long I've been here!
  • 14) If coyotes could vote, who'd they vote for?  What about camels?
  • 16) Y'know, if I get in line here, I'd been in + out twice by now, at least!  heh-heh.  But I got ugly feet + am wearing sandals, So I'm... 
  • 16 + 2) ...I'm afraid to go in + have people stare (little known fact -- ugly feet!)
  • 17) Motherfucker, I'm missing the Kid Rock show at the Roxy!
  • 18) I haven't moved, must be another SUV!  A menace to small cars + doughnut hogs!  Two reasons for me to hate them!
  • 19) Nerdy sort of white girl!  Cute in a plain way.
  • 21) I think a side effect of bud is, uh, oh yeah, making me far susceptible to be attracted to white girls.  I figured this out.
  • 22) I wonder if anyone else here is stoned?  Oh no, a Suburban ahead of me!  If he gave me some bud I wouldn't be so upset at him
  • 23) Would you go down on him in a theatre?  Like, a stage theatre?  Y'know, Akiyo's man works for the theatre, & she sees a lot of plays w/him
  • 24) Does she go down on him in a theatre?
  • 25) How ironic is it that Orgy picked a New Order song to remake that Das doesn't like
  • 26) Aigu!  Gonna miss South Park.
  • 28) Whoa!  I just ordered! That was first -- fast, I mean.  Such a long wait for a quick pleasure.  Hope sex isn't like this!  Wanna hump like a tantric master, like Sting!
  • 29) Eight bazookas is what I'm using!
  • 30) Warm original glaze is so good!  The creme hangs on my goatee, I I can still taste it!
  • 32) Fuck, the cashier at Krispy Kreme gave me $1 back that I overpaid.  She..
  • 33) ...probably wouldn't do that to a brotha -- black or yella.  Fella Yella Tribe!  Like something white people do to each other when minorities...
  • 34) ...aren't around, like in that classic + underrated SNL skit w/Eddie M. disguised as a whitey.
  • 36) Dammit, Ray said he put NPR on his radio.  Oh shit, he did!  Chocolate city, baby.
  • not numbered, but probably goes here) And of course NAS are the letters that spell...
  • 100) Ted Striker on KROQ!  Striker! Striker, striker, striker, strike-her!  Like a fucking wifebeater!
  • 4,289) Ah, I'm in the garage, oops, heh, better turn the motor off.  Well, I'm coming down off my buzz.  After 4 doughnuts - 3 original + iced chocolate creme -- like nuthin'.  Ah, can catch 2nd South Park.
  • 3,1123-x + 9) I know, I'll tell Ray that bud-eating locusts descended on his desk + absconded w/the weed.
So there you have it.  Basically, I smoked up, drove to Krispy Kreme, waited in drive through for about 20 minutes, and the four doughnuts I ate on the way home, and parked in the garage.  Now you know what an effusive spaz I am when I'm stoned, and why I'm not a great toker to be around.   I try not to break the, uh, fourth wall, or whatever it's called when an actor speaks to his audience.  But I do really regret the whole thing now, especially after writing it up.  Kids, don't try this at home.

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