-- Like nearly everyone, I do stoopid things. Unlike everyone, I
don't learn from my mistakes. Last nite, alone and bored, I hit upon
a great idea -- let's get high. Ray had mentioned that he had a teeny
amount of bud in his desk that wasn't his. Leaving
me alone in a house with bud somewhere is like leaving Bill Clinton alone
in a sorority house. I quickly found the two roaches and a dribble
of leftover weed crumbs in his desk, and proceeded to light em' up.
After doing so, I then stumbled upon an idea so great that I think it must
have been a divine revelation: I should go to Krispy Kreme.
course, I'm an atheist so that rules out divine intervention. I'll
chalk it up to my amazing-fucking-intellect instead. (Speaking of
divine intervention, don't you think the world would be a more fun place
if Moses left most of the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai? Maybe just
come back with like three or four of them?)
I found Ray's keys on his desk, and I also grabbed a pen and one of those
notepad cubes that businesses give out. (Wow, Ray's desk was a treasure
trove for me last night). I grabbed the pen and cube b/c I thought
of another great idea -- why don't I record my experience for Stark Raving
Mad? Donning a pair of slippers, I set off.
of regret the whole thing. It falls into the category of "bad ideas",
as well as the much more serious category of "felonies" (DUI in a
car not belonging to you is a felony, right?). I also sort of hesitate
to put up my scribbles b/c I realized that rather than writing about my
thoughts and actions that occurred, I did an action so I could write about
it. It sort of feels like a contrived story, like something an NBC
news program would do. But fuck it, I'll put it up and deal with
the guilt and consequences later. Consider it a nite with Haole,
and what I'm like when I smoke up.
follows is what I scribbled down behind the wheel of Ray's car last nite.
It's verbatim but not with explanations, so you'll probably feel sort of
lost on most of them. I numbered the notepad slips so that I could
put them together this morning. Unfortunately, in my faded state,
I couldn't keep accurate track of my numbers, either. Here we go...
you have it. Basically, I smoked up, drove to Krispy Kreme, waited
in drive through for about 20 minutes, and the four doughnuts I ate on
the way home, and parked in the garage. Now you know what an effusive
spaz I am when I'm stoned, and why I'm not a great toker to be around.
I try not to break the, uh, fourth wall, or whatever it's called when an
actor speaks to his audience. But I do really regret the whole thing
now, especially after writing it up. Kids, don't try this at home.
Yes we are -- Sluts! Yes we are. Krispy Kreme is going to be so good.
Buddy Bud is better, though.
Feel like Beavis and Butthead stealing their mom's car to get nachos.
Hunter S. Thompson w/this cigarette + paper + pad + driving.
Gonzo Journalism. Haole Journalism!
Ray's car gets up to 60 easier than I thought.
OK girl, as long as you got your fingers, you're OK.
5) I wonder
if Stung smokes bud.
This line is enormous! Fuck, my buzz'll wear off before I get any!
Shit, what the hell should I DO?
I'll get back in! OK, I'm like this w/the civic ahead of me:
side by side w/his back rear tire. This is a bad idea! Shit,
I'm so faded.
SUV's! Outlaw em'! They take too long in line at Krispy Kreme!
They each get enuff to feed Eritrea!
Uh, why I'd say that? Not enuff honeys in LA Habra, but there's a
few. Why would people live so far from the freeway!?
Eldumb is on NBA.Com chat tomorrow! Do the chat, Do the Chat, Shoot
the Ball, Shoot the Ball.
Rodzilla smokes mad bud. Argh,
too many ajimas, not enuff yuhjahs!.
wonder if the wigger at the 17th floor thinks I'm cute? Or the honey
on 16? We need a 69 floor!
this line is so long, I'm afraid to look how long I've been here!
coyotes could vote, who'd they vote for? What about camels?
if I get in line here, I'd been in + out twice by now, at least!
heh-heh. But I got ugly feet + am wearing sandals, So I'm...
16 + 2)
...I'm afraid to go in + have people stare (little known fact -- ugly feet!)
I'm missing the Kid Rock show at the Roxy!
haven't moved, must be another SUV! A menace to small cars + doughnut
hogs! Two reasons for me to hate them!
sort of white girl! Cute in a plain way.
think a side effect of bud is, uh, oh yeah, making me far susceptible to
be attracted to white girls. I figured this out.
wonder if anyone else here is stoned? Oh no, a Suburban ahead of
me! If he gave me some bud I wouldn't be so upset at him
you go down on him in a theatre? Like, a stage theatre? Y'know,
Akiyo's man works for the theatre, & she sees a lot of plays w/him
she go down on him in a theatre?
ironic is it that Orgy picked a New Order song to remake that Das doesn't
Gonna miss South Park.
I just ordered! That was first -- fast, I mean. Such a long wait
for a quick pleasure. Hope sex isn't like this! Wanna hump
like a tantric master, like Sting!
bazookas is what I'm using!
original glaze is so good! The creme hangs on my goatee, I I can
still taste it!
the cashier at Krispy Kreme gave me $1 back that I overpaid. She..
wouldn't do that to a brotha -- black or yella. Fella Yella Tribe!
Like something white people do to each other when minorities...
around, like in that classic + underrated SNL skit w/Eddie M. disguised
as a whitey.
Ray said he put NPR on his radio. Oh shit, he did! Chocolate
numbered, but probably goes here) And of course NAS are the letters
Striker on KROQ! Striker! Striker, striker, striker, strike-her!
Like a fucking wifebeater!
Ah, I'm in the garage, oops, heh, better turn the motor off. Well,
I'm coming down off my buzz. After 4 doughnuts - 3 original + iced
chocolate creme -- like nuthin'. Ah, can catch 2nd South Park.
+ 9) I know, I'll tell Ray that bud-eating locusts descended on his desk
+ absconded w/the weed.