April 8, 1999

4/8/99 -- Like nearly everyone, I do stoopid things. Unlike everyone, I don't learn from my mistakes. Last nite, alone and bored, I hit upon a great idea -- let's get high. Ray had mentioned that he had a teeny amount of bud in his desk that wasn't his. Leaving me alone in a house with bud somewhere is like leaving Bill Clinton alone in a sorority house. I quickly found the two roaches and a dribble of leftover weed crumbs in his desk, and proceeded to light em' up. After doing so, I then stumbled upon an idea so great that I think it must have been a divine revelation: I should go to Krispy Kreme.

Of course, I'm an atheist so that rules out divine intervention. I'll chalk it up to my amazing-fucking-intellect instead. (Speaking of divine intervention, don't you think the world would be a more fun place if Moses left most of the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai? Maybe just come back with like three or four of them?)

Anyhow, I found Ray's keys on his desk, and I also grabbed a pen and one of those notepad cubes that businesses give out. (Wow, Ray's desk was a treasure trove for me last night). I grabbed the pen and cube b/c I thought of another great idea -- why don't I record my experience for Stark Raving Mad? Donning a pair of slippers, I set off.

I sort of regret the whole thing. It falls into the category of "bad ideas", as well as the much more serious category of "felonies" (DUI in a car not belonging to you is a felony, right?). I also sort of hesitate to put up my scribbles b/c I realized that rather than writing about my thoughts and actions that occurred, I did an action so I could write about it. It sort of feels like a contrived story, like something an NBC news program would do. But fuck it, I'll put it up and deal with the guilt and consequences later. Consider it a nite with Haole, and what I'm like when I smoke up.

What follows is what I scribbled down behind the wheel of Ray's car last nite. It's verbatim but not with explanations, so you'll probably feel sort of lost on most of them. I numbered the notepad slips so that I could put them together this morning. Unfortunately, in my faded state, I couldn't keep accurate track of my numbers, either. Here we go...

1) Hot! Yes we are -- Sluts! Yes we are. Krispy Kreme is going to be so good. Buddy Bud is better, though.
2) Feel like Beavis and Butthead stealing their mom's car to get nachos.
3) No, Hunter S. Thompson w/this cigarette + paper + pad + driving. Gonzo Journalism. Haole Journalism!
4) Wow, Ray's car gets up to 60 easier than I thought.
4) That's OK girl, as long as you got your fingers, you're OK.
5) I wonder if Stung smokes bud.
6) Shit! This line is enormous! Fuck, my buzz'll wear off before I get any! Shit, what the hell should I DO?
7) Fuck, I'll get back in! OK, I'm like this w/the civic ahead of me:
8) I'm side by side w/his back rear tire. This is a bad idea! Shit, I'm so faded.
9) Fucking SUV's! Outlaw em'! They take too long in line at Krispy Kreme! They each get enuff to feed Eritrea!
9) Motherfucker! Uh, why I'd say that? Not enuff honeys in LA Habra, but there's a few. Why would people live so far from the freeway!?
10) Oh, Eldumb is on NBA.Com chat tomorrow! Do the chat, Do the Chat, Shoot the Ball, Shoot the Ball.
11) Y'know Rodzilla smokes mad bud. Argh, too many ajimas, not enuff yuhjahs!.
12) I wonder if the wigger at the 17th floor thinks I'm cute? Or the honey on 16? We need a 69 floor!
13) Fuck, this line is so long, I'm afraid to look how long I've been here!
14) If coyotes could vote, who'd they vote for? What about camels?
16) Y'know, if I get in line here, I'd been in + out twice by now, at least! heh-heh. But I got ugly feet + am wearing sandals, So I'm...
16 + 2) ...I'm afraid to go in + have people stare (little known fact -- ugly feet!)
17) Motherfucker, I'm missing the Kid Rock show at the Roxy!
18) I haven't moved, must be another SUV! A menace to small cars + doughnut hogs! Two reasons for me to hate them!
19) Nerdy sort of white girl! Cute in a plain way.
21) I think a side effect of bud is, uh, oh yeah, making me far susceptible to be attracted to white girls. I figured this out.
22) I wonder if anyone else here is stoned? Oh no, a Suburban ahead of me! If he gave me some bud I wouldn't be so upset at him
23) Would you go down on him in a theatre? Like, a stage theatre? Y'know, Akiyo's man works for the theatre, & she sees a lot of plays w/him
24) Does she go down on him in a theatre?
25) How ironic is it that Orgy picked a New Order song to remake that Das doesn't like
26) Aigu! Gonna miss South Park.
28) Whoa! I just ordered! That was first -- fast, I mean. Such a long wait for a quick pleasure. Hope sex isn't like this! Wanna hump like a tantric master, like Sting!
29) Eight bazookas is what I'm using!
30) Warm original glaze is so good! The creme hangs on my goatee, I I can still taste it!
32) Fuck, the cashier at Krispy Kreme gave me $1 back that I overpaid. She..
33) ...probably wouldn't do that to a brotha -- black or yella. Fella Yella Tribe! Like something white people do to each other when minorities...
34) ...aren't around, like in that classic + underrated SNL skit w/Eddie M. disguised as a whitey.
36) Dammit, Ray said he put NPR on his radio. Oh shit, he did! Chocolate city, baby.
not numbered, but probably goes here) And of course NAS are the letters that spell...
100) Ted Striker on KROQ! Striker! Striker, striker, striker, strike-her! Like a fucking wifebeater!
4,289) Ah, I'm in the garage, oops, heh, better turn the motor off. Well, I'm coming down off my buzz. After 4 doughnuts - 3 original + iced chocolate creme -- like nuthin'. Ah, can catch 2nd South Park.
3,1123-x + 9) I know, I'll tell Ray that bud-eating locusts descended on his desk + absconded w/the weed.

So there you have it. Basically, I smoked up, drove to Krispy Kreme, waited in drive through for about 20 minutes, and the four doughnuts I ate on the way home, and parked in the garage. Now you know what an effusive spaz I am when I'm stoned, and why I'm not a great toker to be around. I try not to break the, uh, fourth wall, or whatever it's called when an actor speaks to his audience. But I do really regret the whole thing now, especially after writing it up. Kids, don't try this at home.