5/12/99 -- Winning the lottery would sure do a lot to alleviate most of the bitching and whining I do on a daily basis.  I know, money doesn't solve all problems, and it can lead to more problems if you're stupid (like I tend to be).  Still, it'd be a lot more fun than what I'm doing now.  Anyhow, here's what I'd do if I actually managed to win something in my life:

AMPM's Hot Spot -- AMPM is a chain of convenience stores, and right now they have promotion where lucky winners can get tickets to any event they want anywhere in the world.  What would I choose? Super Bowl seems natural for me.  For all its commercial overkill, it's still the ultimate sporting event, especially for a football goober like myself.  Still, I'd like to show a little creativity.  No, not the premiere of Star Wars - I'm not that big a goober anymore.  Shit, I have no culture, so I don't know of any plays or shit.  Eh, fuck it, the Super Bowl it is (or would be).

KROQ's Woodstock Giveaway -- Everyday KROQ is giving away a pair of tickets to go to this year's Woodstock festival in Rome, NY.  It's gonna be the shit.  So the choice isn't what I'd pick, but who I would bring.  Das would be the choice from a musical appreciation and a chemical experimentation point-of-view.  I feel like I owe Ray enough to invite him, plus he's good at meeting weird and random people, although they're usually guys.  Those two would be the most likely out of my local friends.  No one else I know would be into the music and the scene like these two.  I just wouldn't want to have to choose...actually, hardly anyone else I know would be into it.  I know people who'd like to go for the music, but wouldn't be into the druggie scene.  And I need to bring someone along who'd ensure Maximum Funnage for Haole.  Eh, I'd probably choose Das. 

McDonald's Monopoly - Personally I'm not sold that McDonald's actually gives away any prizes -- how many people still collect pieces, hoping to get Boardwalk or some shit like that so that they can win a Sea-Doo or an equally useless prize?  All they probably give out are those Instant prizes like a free small shake, which I'd just drop in an ashtray somewhere.

California Lotto - The minimum jackpot is $4 million, so let's say I won that.  Shit, that's not exactly enough to live off of anymore (what a sad commentary that is), what with Uncle Sam and all.  So after I get the house (on the beach), the two cars, the house for my parents, and the necessary furnishings for all, then what?  Eh, travel to someplace with lots of honeys -- Hawaii, Japan,  Tahiti.  Oh, and lots of dogs -- dogs rule.

I actually got 4 out of 6 numbers once.  It was the same day I got hired for this job.  I got $92 out a $17 million purse.  Yes, it seems abysmally small.  Yes, I've blown that $92 since then on lottery tickets.

$190 Million Power Ball  - OK, I can't actually play this since I'm not in one of the states that offers it, but let's just pretend...Shit, I'm not even gonna mention the basics like sports cars, houses in LA, San Francisco, and Tokyo.  Porsche Boxters for all my friends are automatic.  But the $190 mil would allow me to indulge myself with goodies like a McDonald's in my kitchen, a greenhouse devoted entirely for ganja (hey, a lot of its charitable!), a bus fitted to be a rolling party machine, and a private plane with Korean Air Line stewardesses.  Oh yeah, and Stark Raving Mad would become Insanely Fucking Rich.

I'd still bitch about not getting any, though.  The more things change, the more they stay the same...

BTW, if you're playing the lottery, for God's sake take the 25 annual payments, NOT the one lump sum.  You get screwed, and will only net 1/4 of the actual jackpot if you do the latter.  Of course, if you owe seven figures to the IRS, or you're like 83, then I'd understand.

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