5/19/99 -- (Wrrtten at La Jolla shores during sunset on May 17) 

My mom's gettin' old.  She's, uh, fifty-six (she claims to be "fifty-something"), and she's gettin' more and more like her mom, who my mom repeatedly tells me is "getting old".  My mom is more forgetful than ever, less observant, and doesn't listen particularly well anymore.  She'll repeat an observation I might have made thirty seconds earlier, and say it like she just discovered a new continent.  It's scary to think how she functions at her job as an R.N. -- doesn't that entail listening to doctor's instructions?  It does on E.R.

I've rarely felt close to my mom.  Usually a crisis with my dad is what would precipitate a spell of togetherness with her (i.e. my dad's ditching us in 94' to run off to Georgia).  We didn't spend a lot of time together when I was younger (well, she was younger, too.  Duh!) because she worked and I was left to my own devices, like plastic green army men, computer games, and my right hand.  My mom and I don't have much in common, either -- she's fascinated by useless crap, has none of my taste in anything, and isn't very bright.  OK, I'll admit that I think she's stupid.  "Oh, I can't believe you think your mom is stupid!"  Believe it, fuckhole.

So, I find my times with her to always be especially depressing.  I mean, if you don't want to spend time with the woman who birthed you and provided for you the best she could, and who loves you and flies or drives of flies you out to see her, well fuck, you wouldn't be feeling ecstatic either. 

I never tell my moms anything.  She always wants to know how I'm doing and tells me how great she thinks I am.  Me, I'm don'ttell her Jack or Jill Shit, while thinking how incorrigibly shitty I am.  I'm also realizing that I've isolated myself, or probably will isolate myself, from every personal relationship I've ever had.  That ain't sayin' much for my humanity.  Neither does my virulent hatred for crying children, like the two who just bawled their way past me -- would you two fucking brats shut up, you're aggravating the piss outta me! 

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