May 3, 1999

5/3/99 -- Ugh, I felt like shit the whole day today. The E hit as soon as we left here yesterday. The red tail lamps on the 101 Freeway looked like a bunch of fireflies heading to a hive. Except that I don't think fireflies live in hives. Fuck, I actually still feel woozy, and it's fucking after five. It hit way after I left Ray's ex-coworkers' party, after I hung out at Das' coworker's place, and after we left here around midnight. So I had no one to talk to and needed to go to sleep. It really sucked in retrospect. I was fiending for something soft and smooth to touch or rub while I was still awake, like a chick or something. Well, a chick who shaves and doesn't have backne.

I was really bummin' at Ray's house party, b/c he always raved about his work buddies and how much fun they all are and shit. And then there I was, with nothing to say and I couldn't drink, but I was quite stoned. So I didn't talk to anybody except Das when he eventually showed up. I never felt particularly social when I used to drink, either. Yeah, I'm definitely an into-my-own-world-and-I-can't-get-out kind of guy.

I gotta cut back. I'm starting to think the way I was two years ago. I'm wasting money on drugs, and putting other stuff off. Like today, I was thinking I should buy some new work clothes -- like a shirt and tie. But then I started to think, "Well, I'm gonna need money for weed and shit. I need money for a computer and a car and weed. Can I afford work clothes?" Seriously, drugs and shit have become a major expense for me, the way they did two years ago when I was smoking up every day. And now I have more money, so I have more money for drugs. I need a car, a computer, money for rent, some furniture for when I move out, and other expenses like work clothes. Plus I'm out $700 that I lent Ray and won't be expecting back anytime in the next few months. So where does the drug money come from? I squeeze it out of the above shit. After a while I'll wring that shit so tight that I won't have any money left over to take care of what I'll need, I'll feel like an amazing loser (As opposed to the mediocre loser I am now), and I'll be all suicidal again. And that would suck.

Yeah, someone pointed out that E can leave you depressed after you come down from it. Mebbe that's why I feel the way I do. (no duh!)

What can I feel good about that'll cheer me up? Um...nothing. Ray's back, but I got mad at homeboy b/c he continuously dogged me about not getting any. He does that a lot now when he's drunk -- he thinks it's fun to just sit there and rag on me about not getting any, like he thinks it helps. Phil does it a little bit when I talk to him, but Ray's too fucking unbearable after a while:

"Why don't you get some from her? You're gonna be 69 years old and will have never gotten some, and you're gonna say, 'Man, I should have got some when I had the chance!' It's better to get some from an ugly chick than to never get any at all. Yo, if you knew a guy had gotten some, wouldn't you have more
respect for him?"

That doesn't do a whole lot for one's buzz or high, I assure you. Being made to feel self-conscious and cheap isn't what having fun is all about. So anyhow, yeah, I guess that's why I'm not more excited about Ray being back home, even though he drove me to the party yesterday and then back home after Das dropped us off. I'm such a fucking ingrate.

I need to go home, get some sleep, and get Akiyo off my mind. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Shit, I haven't done anything for the last hour, I need to get here early tomorrow.