5/4/99 -- The last thought I had last nite before I fell asleep was the same as the first thought I had this morning when I woke up: I don't have sexual fantasies because anything sexual for me is a fantasy.  Since fantasies are dreams that are not yet rooted in reality for someone, one must have a reality of experience to contrast with their fantasies.  But I have no sexual reality, other than what my right hand has experienced and what I've paid for at nudie bars.  Never gotten any, never been kissed (not just a movie starring Drew Barrymore! -- what, do you think he first got some when she was, like, nine?), never did anything.  So instead of fantasies I have...what do I have?  It's like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank (a sexual deprivation tank?), and all I can experiences are images that flash through my mind.  So yeah, I have sexual images, not sexual fantasies.

Well, now that that's cleared up...I'm not feeling a whole lot better.  Didn't get much sleep last nite like I should have.  Instead I stayed up to watch some Cuban umpire wail mercilessly on some Cuban-American protester at the Baltimore-Cuba exhibition.  I watched it twice on ESPN, and once on FOX.  I was high, too.  I know, I know.  But I was really feeling sick, and smoking up helped!  Seriously, I am now a big believer in medicinal marijuana.  I felt shitty, smoke up, feel much better!  Well, smoke up and gorge on Taco Bell.  Yeah, I'm sure a lot of it is the E and my coming down from it. I shudda smoked some herb on the way down on Sunday, but then I would have been up til 3 in the mornin'.  I also realized that it's also probably related to Paxil withdrawal.  I finally got weaned off it, and as my normal sexual behavior has returned, so has a spell of depression.  But yeah, getting off Paxil causes headaches -- it did back in 93'.  Anyhow, hope this stupid Wellbutrin hurries up and makes me feel all good.  Argh, a fucking aspirin can cure a headache in 20 minutes, but it takes 4-6 weeks for mucho-expensive antidepressants to take effect? 

OK, it's been two hours since I typed the above -- now I feel really fucking bad.  This withdrawal from the Paxil is killing me -- it feels like I'm badly hungover.  I'm nauseous, have a throbbing headache, and a fever.  Maybe I will go home.  All the other library goons are down the hall getting additional Dun & Bradstreet training, including Akiyo.  I'm not thought of very highly here, so I normally don't get to be included in that kind of shit.  That's fucking depressing if I think about it.  Akiyo's being here is not helping; it's also not helping me get my mind off of her.  This sucks.  But I won't get started on her.

Shit...Bradley Howell (the late lead singer of Sublime) admitted that getting into heroin was the worst mistake of his life.  I just think getting into weed was the worst mistake of my life.  What a pussy I am, huh?  But yeah, it's led to a lot of problems, most of which I don't feel like talking about.

Looking at Gateway's site.  This morning before I left I caught the back of an LA Times section.  Gateway had a full page advertisement.  Fuck, now I'm thinking real hard about getting a computer.  It's so damn easy, too!  Shit, all this b/c I was looking for the weather forecast for today.

Shit, y'know, trying to find the forecast for Los Angeles in weather section of the the LA Times is like trying to...I dunno, trying to find information on speeding tickets in a law library.  It's there somewhere, you think, but you've got to spend 30 minutes searching around for it.  (OK, I'm the king of bad and obscure analogies.  Screw me, I failed the AP English test, OK?).

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