June 25, 1999

6/25/99 - I am such a bastard. A complete and total dumb fuck. On Wednesday, Akiyo got some shit from a pain-in-the-ass tax attorney down at her office in Century City. The attorney blamed her for not getting some software installed on her computer, even though it's the Technology Department's job to do it, not hers. So the old-ass bitch attorney e-mails the Deej to whine. I read the e-mail b/c the Deej was out sick and it's my responsibility to check her e-mail when she is out of the office.

So I read the e-mail and I tell Akiyo about it, and she stresses and vents. Then the bitch attorney calls for the Deej, but I tell her that she's out sick, and that I'll leave a message asking her to call the bitch attorney.

Today the Deej finally makes it back to the office, and she reads the e-mail and I tell her to call the bitch attorney, just like I was asked to. She does, and then she calls Akiyo and complains to her about how Akiyo needs to learn to prioritize and blames the whole mess on her. Akiyo says she's fine with it, but I'm not.

I should have deleted the e-mail and not told the Deej about the phone call. After all, if I'm Akiyo's friend, shouldn't I go out of my way for her? But no, I gotta be a complete dickless loser and tell the Deej about the call and I let her read the e-mail and I get Akiyo in trouble by doing so. Today also was our mid-year review, and Akiyo got mad at me for not letting her know about it. I thought she did know about it, but whatever.

Fuck, I am just such a terrible, horrible friend. Just ask Ray. Or Albutt. When I went outside to try and give myself lung cancer this morning, I sat down and actually felt my jaw and my legs shaking from tension --> that's how upset I was. But how upset I get doesn't mean Jack or Jill Shit. I shouldn't do shit to get myself upset in the first place.

I'm afraid to take a risk and stick my neck out for someone. My neck sinks between my shoulders, and my backbone turns to Bitch-flavored Smuckers' Jelly. "Stick to procedure" --> whatever. Fifty years ago I would have been a good neighbor and let the Japanese Americans get their asses hauled off to concentration camps without saying a word. Or if my ancestors had never immigrated here, I would have been a "good German" and let my Jewish neighbors and friends get hauled off to be shot or gassed or experimented on. Shit, you don't want to know me. I don't want to know me. All that shit about finding my identity? Here it is: gutless, whimpering coward.

Fuck me.

So then I pull an equally punk-ass move and buy Akiyo a 16 piece box of Godivas and send them over to her with an apology for being such a dick. Just like a bitch -- I try and buy forgiveness. I don't even know if she blames me or not. She should. I fucking ruined her Friday to boot.

Fuck me.