6/30/99 - I need to seriously get some.  When I was at LAX on Monday while I was returning my car, I watched this couple who were next to me waiting for one of the shuttle buses to arrive.  The way they talked, the way the girl smiled and looked into her man's eye when he spoke, the closeness and comfort of their bodies...I had to physically turn away, I was starting to feel so bad.

This comes on the heels of the realization that whenever I take the 405 north of UCLA (or south from the Valley), I have to avert my eyes from the Getty Museum.  The Getty Museum is this giant art museum that's like an all-day excursion.  It's huge, and it's on top of a tall hill overlooking the freeway.  Anyhow, it's a total date place.  I feel like I can't go until I get a date, so of course, I'm never gonna go.

Got really fucked up last nite.  I was stressing because of the shit that went down with Duc, and other shit on my mind -- like youknowwho.  Ate so much.  I also realized last nite, before I smoked up, that I am a complete and utter moron.  I mean, I'm really fucking dumb.  Das asked me if putting bud in a refrigerator is a good idea; I said I don't know, I just figured a cool dry place is best.  Then he pointed out that moisture is good, because dry air would dry out the weed and make it turn brown.  See, I'm dumb.

What else?  I'm sending some more E to Phil -- I'm now an E-by-Mail guy (not to be confused with an "e-mail guy").  Shit, what can I say?  The Westside has the Best High.  Phil has cool friends, too.  Shit, I just remembered -- I'm Beavis when I get high.  Last nite after I smoked up, I was rambling on about shit, and I said something to the effect of "Phil's like my role model.  Except I never get any."  Ray turns to me and says, "Haole, you are Beavis.  Did you listen to what you just said?  That's totally something Beavis would say."  And he was totally right, so I started laughing my head off. 

Plus, right after I smoked up, I started rambling on to myself about Beavis, and Ray said, "Dood, you are Beavis.  You're having an inner monologue about Beavis, except it's out loud so it's just a monologue. " 

But man, I'm not like Phil.  Unlike him, or say Nicole's colleague's boyfriend, I'm never gonna get any chicks by being a fat stoner loser.  I have to clean up my act and try from there.  Y'know, start running, quit smoking bud and cigarettes, and try to get more friends.  Go back to being a nice, clean cut boy.  OK, so I'll be an equally big loser.  Still, nothing's worked for me so far.  I couldn't get a girl to notice me if I tied a necklace of hundred dollars bills around my neck.  I exude this signal that just makes women completely ignore me.  Too bad I couldn't tune this signal to get, say, bank guards to ignore me.  Then I'd get lots of money and, uh, go to strip clubs a whole lot.  Yeah.

An e-mail conversation I just had with Akiyo reminded me of why nice guys never get any action.  Well, unless they're rich and famous.  Money and popularity overcome all obstacles.

Das is turning into a sex symbol.  Within the last month or so, I've heard of at least four different people showing interest, possibly, in him.  Ray's cousin Jo, Winston's woman's friend Ngan, Das' rather rotund coworker Jabba the Slut, and most recently some other girl from work who he went to Vegas with, along with a few other coworkers.  And of course, that doesn't include the guy who kissed him at the gay bar in West Hollywood.  Not bad action for a guy who I think is really butt ugly.  Of course, being the eunuch that he is, he hasn't done anything about any of them.  I guess he's not attracted to any of them, for one.  Well, Jo isn't bad, but it's weird seeing how she's Ray's cousin.  Maybe I just can't judge a man's looks.  In any case, Das definitely has personality in his favor; funny, maturity, intelligence...he's the muthafucking man.  He didn't even have to work to start his two previous relationships; the girls both went after him.

When I was a kid, I used to think that adults were bigger and better versions of kids.  They were smarter and had money, and all the cool people on TV were adults.  Now that I am one, I see that there really isn't a whole lot of difference.  It's still all about the "me" aspect and being a selfish bastard or bitch, it's just that adults learn to cloak it better.  Adults are still cruel to others, the way kids are cruel to each other; they just cloak it differently.  I guess adults are more clever than kids -- that's the big difference. 

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