6/4/99 -- I wuzn't going to update today, because I got into work late and have my usual pile of shit sitting on my desk, stinking up the room until I take care of it.  And like shit, my work just keeps on coming.  My firm has diarrhea, and the library is the toilet <-- There's a pleasant analogy.

Yesterday I left work feeling like shit.  I had a scare that Akiyo was already quitting, but it turned out to be another attorney down at her office who failed to pass the bar, and so the firm had to let her go.  But I was tripping for a bit, and Akiyo picked up on it.  Shit, I felt like such a schmuck.  Then I was talking to her a little later, and she is so anxious to quit and move back to SF with her man.  She doesn't know when she can quit, though, b/c she has to finish up paperwork with UCLA so she can graduate, and she's got to make arrangements back home so she has room to move in with Greg.  Anyhow, all the talk of her being so eager to get out of LA left me depressed.  "Oh my God, Haole, you talked to Akiyo and you got depressed?!?! That is so fucking weird, what's wrong with you?!?!"  Whatever.

I also talked to my moms and pop.  My mom hasn't done anything yet about lending me the bank to go get a car, but she said she has been thinking about it a lot and promises to do it next week.  I guess there is a lot of my mom in me, because we both procrastinate in the same way.  So my MX-3, or whatever I get, is going to have to wait.

So I left work feeling like shit.  I took the express bus to Santa Monica so I could meet Jenny and Maya for dinner.  The whole Akiyo thing is what upset me the most, though.  I remember yesterday just being really freakin' down on the way to Santa Monica.  My depression felt like an oven that someone left on "Broil", and it was burning me up from the inside.  It was a really odd feeling, like everything was building up and I was ready to explode from unhappiness.  I know, it's hard to picture it.  I really wanted a release of some sort.  I felt like taking a baseball bat and going postal on the merchandise in a home furnishings place, like Pottery Barn.  Of course, I was on a bus with no Louisville Slugger nearby, so rather than taking it out on my fellow passengers, I just slumped on my chair and tried to catch a wink or two.

Then I had dinner with Maya and Jenny and Sam the Limey and yet another Korean guy named John.  There's a new Japanese restaurant right around the corner from where I'm gonna be living, and Maya wanted to try it before she bailed for Suckramento.  So we went, and had yummy yet tiny portions of food (I recommend the barracuda), which is what I expected.  No wonder Japanese people are so damn small; they spend too much time making the food look nice, and then they don't eat much of what they make.  Hamburger Day at McDonald's must not be a big hit in the Land of the Rising Sun.

But dinner was really enjoyable, as was our milkshake and gravy fries fest afterwards at Cafe 50's.  It's a small little diner, that as you may have guessed, has a 50's theme.  It's also around the corner from where I'll be living (I have a feeling that you're gonna be hearing a lot about the eateries near where I'll be residing). During the midst of listening to John's perverted yet hilarious jokes, I started examining the walls, which were covered with old movie posters and magazine covers.  I didn't realize that Swank was around back in the 1950s.  Nor did I realize the extent of the perversion of Hollywood in the 1950s. "Louisiana Hussy: It's Her Time to Take Love and Make Trouble."  One would get the impression from looking at  these old movie posters that bikini clad girlies were everywhere and ready to put out for the nearest man.  Too bad I didn't live back then. On the other hand, they were all white. 

I also saw a movie poster for "Wetbacks", with a dood wearing a sombrero.  Probably not big then or now with the Chicano crowd.

Anyhow, dinner and the after-meal conversations were relaxing, and somehow they cheered me up.  Maybe it was finding out that Sam was into the "Genitorturers", a group of exhibitionists who pierce their genitals on stage.  I wonder if their mothers are proud of them?  Or maybe it was finding out that my eight months of listening to KROQ finally paid off, as I was able to converse with the ultimate white music fans about modern rock.  I even knew some of the bands they hadn't heard of, like Cibo Matto.  That reminds me, I need to see about getting tickets for their show.

Now, though, I feel guilty whenever I see a black person at work.  I have a feeling one day they'll corner me and ask me what kind of music I like, and I'll stammer out, "Uh, Wh-wh-white music."  And they'll shake their heads in disappointment.  Today I wore a "Got Rice?" T-shirt to work.  It's a pro-Asian Am shirt that asks the question, "Do you have Asian-ness?", as opposed to "Got Milk?", which implies a whitey-ness to it.  (Or at least that's how I interpret it.  Then again, I flunked the AP English test).  Anyhow, four people asked me about it today.  All of them were black.  That was odd.  "Got rice?  Jerry Rice?"  None of the Asians here said shit.  Maybe they just figured I'm just another fucking white  Asiaphile trying to hit on all the honeys.  So what if they're right?  I still want to be noticed.

Today I've been running around work, giving myself a headache.  I also talked to Akiyo, right after she got done having arguments with both her brother and her man.  And of course, I had to play counselor and try to help her through it and tell her how to handle her problem -- it's a conflict between her brother and her man.  I'm so behind in my work right now, but what do I do with my precious time?  Convince Akiyo to work things out with both of them, particularly her man, and take him up to San Francisco this weekend with her, rather than leaving him in LA to stew. 

It dawned on me that when I talk to Akiyo, and offer her advice on her relationship or her future, or offer to cover for her at work while she takes care of paperwork at UCLA, that I am doing it for no other reason than the goodness of my heart.  I really believe that I am being completely self-sacrificial and that I want the best for Akiyo, which is why I give her the advice I do.  I'm not trying to draw her to me, or keep her at her job or in LA longer than she wants for any selfish reason, even though I've got the ultimate selfish reason --  I have an emotional affection for her  and don't want to lose her.  Well, it's not that I've ever "had" her so that I could really "lose" her.  But y'know, my brain tells me I should be thinking of ways to pull her and Greg apart, or to give her reasons to stay in LA.  Instead I'm trying to help her do what's best for her life and her relationship. 

I have a very scary theory as to  what is at the root of my selflessness with respect to Akiyo, but I don't want to even think about it, much less admit it.


 
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