7/16/99 - OK, so I'm an impatient bastard -- the weird weekend I mentioned yesterday has already begun.  No, I'm not ditching work -- I'm right here along with Duc and his flaming hot pink polo shirt.  But the "thing on my mind" that I had sorta been alluding to this past week came to a head last nite.  Well, I wanted it to come to a head, so I squeezed it. 

There's another girl out there for me now.  And I mean "out there", as in midwestern Canada, which is probably as "out there" as I can get geographically without leaving the continent.  We've been corresponding via e-mail for several months now, and we talked last weekend on the phone for the first time.  The next day, I realized that for the first time in nearly a year, Akiyo was not running around in my head.  This girl was instead.

I did have all these strong emotions and feelings running through my head this whole week, and it was tough trying to add entries without talking about her.  See, she reads Stark Raving Mad.  That's how we got to know each other.  She has been unswervingly and amazingly supportive and kind and sweet, in spite of all the shit she's read about me here and in my e-mails.  Or maybe because of it. 

So last nite I threw common sense and my usual "play-it-cool" attitude out the window, and I called her again.  We talked for a few hours about shit, and then her bro had to use the phone, so we hung up and I went outside to have a smoke.  I realized that I was blowing it -- I had called intending to tell her how I felt, and I was regressing to my old ways.  So when I called her back, I didn't waste any time and I opened up.  My heart poured out like Niagara Falls, and I went over in a barrel. 

But the barrel didn't smash against the bottom.  She didn't reject me.  She didn't hang up.  She didn't say "Don't ever call me again, you stupid whacked out fuck."  She didn't suddenly remember she had to go to the store, or do her nails, or had to go celebrate Chinese New Year.  She told me that she had feelings for me to, but never would have imagined that I had feelings for her.  And I never would have guessed she felt so strongly about me, either.

She's white.  There, I said it.  I feel like people might think I'm letting them down, b/c I've been hyping my Asian Infatuation since day one.  But I don't care.  If anything, I feel like kicking myself for trying to perpetuate the Asian Myth I've been hyping, b/c it gave me a persona and I was scared to admit that maybe I had been wrong after all these years.  Not that I have anything against Asian girls.  I dunno.  Maybe this girl is just that special to me.

There's also something else: I've never seen her before.  <SIGH> I know, this is the second time in two summers this has happened to me, I fall for a woman whose voice and writing I know, but not her face.  Maybe it's some kind of subconscious fetish, getting the hots for women I've never even seen.  That was the first thing she brought up when I started unloading my feelings onto her, "But you don't even know what I look like."

I don't care.  I dunno, I guess I do.  I can't ignore the physical aspect of it. I have an idea of what she's like, they way I had with Akiyo before I finally met her, but so much of it is a mystery.  We won't meet for at least a few months, although she's likely to send me a picture or two of her before then.  She knows what I look like from this site.  What I can say, and what I told her, is that she is as beautiful a person as I've ever come across -- she radiates it from inside her, and it flows through her e-mails and through the phone.

But this could be hard on her.  I need to resolve Akiyo, and my feelings for her.  I guess Akiyo's starting to distance herself from me, since she knows that I've had strong feelings for her. Akiyo will be gone in a month or so -- so what feelings do I have for her?  I realize she'll never think of me as anything beyond being a nice, if weird, friend.  I want her as a friend, too -- she's pretty damned unique.   But as "this new woman" put it, I need closure.  I need to get over the unresolved shit that I feel, and I'm gonna need to bring it out with Akiyo.  If it means losing her as a friend, then so be it, but if Akiyo is anything like the person I think she is, I won't lose her.  Akiyo was the one who told me I needed closure with my father over the whole deal where he walked out on us a few years ago.  Now, ironically, I need it with Akiyo.  I think I can get past Akiyo -- I've been wanting to, and I think the signs are there that are demonstrating to me that I am beginning to.  But it might take a while for me to figure it all out.

The harder part of this equation is that I am afraid that I'm transferring the emotional ties I wanted or had with Akiyo onto the new girl.  That is something that's going to be harder for me to figure out.  I don't want to compare her to Akiyo, or simply be some kind of codependent nut.  But that's something I'm going to need to figure out.  This girl is the sweetest, greatest thing to come along in my life in quite a while, and she doesn't need to get hurt by me, or anyone else for that matter.  She's her own person, and I need to appreciate her for herself, not with respect to Akiyo, or Sharon, or Anna Yim, or anybody else.

I also realized this morning how hard this might be for her -- she's taking a huge risk in expressing a willingness to give me a shot.  We're separated by over 1500 miles of mountainous and flat terrain, and that has got to take a toll on her.  I'm asking that she give a lot of herself.  If we start to get closer and, I guess "progress" in our relationship, then it'll be even harder for the both of us -- neither one of us has any immediate plans to relocate, and it's not like we can afford to jet out to see each other than often.  She's also very worried about how I feel about Akiyo, and how I might hurt her if I put the emotional frustration I still might feel about Akiyo back on to her.  I don't want to do that.  But I'm new to this whole relationship thing, so all I can do is try my best and be honest with her.

I think the first time that Stung ever e-mailed me, he asked about what I would with my journal do if I got a girlfriend.  Y'know, would I tell her about it or keep it a secret or let her read it -- that sort of shit.  While I'm not gonna call homegirl my "girlfriend" (although I would certainly love to reach that point with her), the fact of the matter is that she does read it, and has for a while.  I guess I'll play it by ear --- but I don't want to hurt you, and I'll use my best (if shaky) judgment as far as what I write.  But I'll also be as honest as I can.

I have the whole "I'm not worthy of her" complex, as some of you know (and if you haven't figured that out yet , then you're either new here or thick as a brick).  I want to be a better man for her (I know, it's a line from As Good as It Gets, but fuck me, that's how I feel).  But she wants me to be a better man for my own sake.  And that seems like the biggest obstacle of them all, because it's all on me, within me.   I've said before the cliché that I've heard, "Women think they can change a man, and a man thinks a woman will never change."  But she doesn't want to change me.  She wants me to change myself. 

Well, now it's time to think up an alias for her.  She requested that I protect her anonymity, and I have no problem with that.  Hmm, what should I call her?  The first names that come to mind probably aren't appropriate: Halle, Sung Hi, Reiko...hmm, what about Paula?  I'll try it, and if she don't like it, she'll let me know.

Despite what Paula told me last nite, about how I was saying everything perfectly and how she was amazed that I had the courage to say everything that I did, I have to admit that I had a lot of help and support.  In no specific order, I wanna thank Ray, Brian, Athena, Akiyo, Nicole, Stung, Jenny, and Michelle for helping me with this.  You guys are the shit.


 
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