July 22, 1999

7/22/99 - This thing with Paula is driving me nuts. It's driving me nuts that we're 1746.2 miles away (so says MapQuest). It's driving me nuts that I can't see her before October. It's driving me nuts that I've never ever been in a real relationship before and am completely afraid of doing something to fuck this up (like saying, "I can see it falling apart" <--whoops, already said that. Damn!). It's driving me nuts that I can't even take her out to a movie, or to dinner, or to fucking watch the stars come out. It's driving me nuts that I can't express myself better over the phone, or in writing, to her.

Ah, nothing like a long-distance relationship with a woman in another country (OK, it's just Canada) that I've never seen (but who sounds just so yummy) that began over the Internet for a working-class stiff who is a complete neophyte when it comes to relationships, something most people take care when they are ten years younger. As if I wasn't already insecure enough. Although for some strange reason, knowing that this isn't any easier for her is actually a little comforting. And of course, I don't even know if I should characterize what we have so far as a "relationship", or a "budding romance" (as Jen Wade referred to it -- BTW, thanx for the e-mail, Jen). It's just a friendship in which both parties would like to see if a relationship could develop, but are frustrated by geography.

God hates me, that's what it is. And maybe he hates Paula, too. I swear to you, God, if I ever meet you I'm gonna kick you dead in the nuts. And don't get me started on the whole "God' s a woman" trip unless you wanna hear about me bitch slapping a deity.

Ray raised the idea yesterday of me flying up to Canada before October, just so that we would both "know". So I called her when we were in Manhattan Beach looking to score some weed. She reminded me that she's working weekends during the summer between her "practicums" (which sound like internships to me). So anyhow, she doesn't have any time off til' October, even if I went out there. So we're left to stew and suffer and rack up big ass phone bills in the meanwhile.

Usually I wonder what I did to deserve something bad. This is the first time I've ever wondered what I might have done to deserve even a chance at something so muthafuckin' divine.

Of course, Akiyo is still giving me the chilly shoulder, which combined with the fact that Duc is being Duc today, has left me in a pretty sad mood. But you know, I've got other friends besides Akiyo, good friends, and maybe I should appreciate them more instead of crying about Akiyo. So that's my lesson for the day.

Not that it makes it any easier.