7/27/99 - Lemmee see how fast I can type this up, cuz I'm dead tired, busy as fuck with fifteen minutes to go in my work day, and got shit on my mind (and you thought my mind was in the gutter before; now I've got shit on it.)

Occasionally I come across journals that have been taken down or moved because the wrong person or persons came across and it caused too much drama with the journal author so that she or he felt it necessary to take take it down or relocate it.  For some reason I always thought it was pretty ballless to do that -- have courage and faith in what you put up, consider who might read it, and go from there. 

I've sorta been meaning to address the issue of my "friends" who have been reading this journal.  I don't mean people who have stumbled upon Stark Raving Mad and gotten to know me from it.  I mean my "real world" friends since the rest of you aren't real, you're only creations of some evil supercomputer!  People like Ray, or Phil, or Winston, or Jenny, or a number of other people who I don't want to keep listing for fear I'll forget someone and then they'll be upset because I didn't list them as a friend.  Anyhow, a lot of my friends know about this journal, either because I told them about it or someone else told them about.  I try not to let it affect my writing too much; the phone sex thing, the suicide thing, the references to beating off -- I just swallow hard and type it up and post it and hope that nobody gets too offended or freaked out or anything by reading something they didn't know about me.

It happened with Maya and Jenny when they read my little suicide story back in March.  Like I said yesterday, Nicole finally got around to reading it and got all upset at the picture of her that I have up.  But today was really bad.  The whole phone sex tape thing blew up, where I realized I was getting really pissed about Ray having the tape and then teasing me by playing it.  Like I said in today's previous entry, rather than dealing with it like "a man", I played the passive-aggressive card and ignored Ray and bitched about here.  Basically I was pretty ballless (does "ballless" have two or three l's?).  Ray seemed to have an aha experience and when he read the entry and he realized how upset I was.

I try not to write much about my friends' personal lives (well, except Akiyo, but I don't even wanna think about what might happen if she found this journal).  You know I don't bring up Farand's beastiality habit, or Das' genital herpes, or how Sam the Limey is actually the bastard son of Ted Bundy and Tammy Faye Baker.  I try to use good judgment, which is not something I'm particularly renown for.  But I'll praise my friends here from time to time, because by and large they are a great group of individual whose accolades entertain and enlighten me more than anything I'll ever see on cable TV.  I try not to criticize or savage them here because it's not fair if they don't have a chance to defend themselves.

Basically I was very tired today and was looking for something to write about after I finished up my Diet Coke addiction entry.  So I wrote what was on my mind -- the phone sex tape thing -- in a none-too-adroit fashion and it came out in a negative way.  And it got Ray pretty fucking upset.  I'm gonna call him after I finish posting this up and talk it over with him, which is what I should have done in the first place.  But anyhow, I know it's happened before and it'll probably happen again; I walk a thin line because I want this journal to be as honest and genuine as possible.  Occasionally I step onto the wrong side of the line and somebody gets a little hurt. 

It's not my intention to hurt people with Stark Raving Mad, except for myself.  I don't want to tear this journal down because it's something I've come to <gack> love.  It's a part of me.  I know that there are people who know me from before this journal, who read it for entertainment or to keep up with what's going on with the boyz from Cerritos or because they need to do something to kill time at their boring-ass jobs.  I'm not oblivious to you.  I appreciate your patience, and the fact that I haven't gotten a flaming e-mail from someone asking me to take such-and-such down because it offends them.  But something like this reminds me of the effect that I do have on people sometimes, because normally I feel like I don't have any. 

Anyhow, thanks again for your patience.  I'm not trying to apologize ahead of time in case I piss off Winston by mentioning our gay love affair when he lived with me and Das and Butt and Ray a few years ago.  But it's happened; I've gotten people upset, people I care about, and it might happen again in the future.  If I do, it's not intentional, or if it was it's because I wasn't thinking.  But I'm sorry.  I'll try and let my nuts hang in the future more and bring it up mano-el-mano.

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