7/8/99 - It dawns on me every now and then that I should jot down good things to say to a woman, in the unlikely event I ever get into a relationship with one.  Take for example, what I read today on Much Ado About....  Athena was talking about how she wishes that someone, like a man (duh!), could come up to her from behind and whisper "I think you are the most wonderful person in the world," to her, and how the thought of it sends chills down her back.  To paraphrase Harvey Keitel from Thelma and Louise, women like that shit.  But I don't think it's shit in the "bullshit" sense, but genuine and honest shit.  If that makes sense.  If I'm in a relationship, wouldn't I want to make my woman feel special for being with me? 

I get upset when I think about my lack of experience in relationships (lack = 0), and how I think being a neophyte would totally fuck up whatever relationship I could get myself into.  During the, uh, "feeling out" stage I went through with Akiyo last year, I impressed myself from the outset with the number of unintentionally nice things I said to her.  They were honest and sincere, and I never expected the reaction that they got.  But that stage only lasted for, I dunno, maybe a month or so.  Then it all came crashing down.  But I've rehashed that enough.

But anyhow, maybe I'll keep a little personal list of things to say to a woman.  They won't be phony, but then again, they won't seem as spontaneous.

Last nite I had the apartment to myself for a few hours while Jenny went to a movie with Sam the Limey and Yet Another Korean Guy Named John.  They saw Run Lola Run.  I would have wanted to go, but I had big plans for the night -- I wanted to assemble the bookcase that I had bought.  Yeah, I'm a wild man.  The bookcase went OK; I realized upon opening the box that it was white, and not black like I had originally thought.  Since I had no desire to find a way back to Ikea so I could exchange it for a black one, and since white was almost as good as black, I assembled it anyway.  Things went OK until I took a break to get stoned.  I went behind our building over by the trash dumpsters to light up.  I figured the current of wind from the alley along with the rank odor of the garbage would hide the smell, and that I would notice anyone approaching so that I could hide it.  Pretty crafty, huh?

When I got back inside from smoking up, the bookcase assembly suddenly became much harder.  It took me forever to nail the back on, and I attached a small metal L-shaped piece the wrong way.  And I spent forever trying to get the shelves straight.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized the bottom shelf still wasn't straight.  I'm such a retard.  Don't think I'll do the garbage thing again.  Y'know, Jesus was a carpenter; I wonder if he smoked up? 

Shit, I'm trying to avoid getting depressed over Akiyo.  It's not working.  Stupid brain, be more cooperative!  Last nite I sent her a rambling e-mail that I wasn't sure I should send.  I try to avoid bringing up my shit with her a lot, but a little bit started to boil over.   I know that Stark Raving Mad has lately turned into "Haole's Akiyo Groaning and Adventures in Furniture Assembly", but maybe the following will entertain you.  It's the e-mail hat I sent to her last nite.  I'm gonna call her right now to briefly discuss it, to make sure she's cool with it and all.  She's been really busy since Duc has been over there today, and I haven't had a chance to mention it yet.  But here it is; I guess I'll let you know what she says tomorrow.
 

I don't know if I'm going to send this to you or not, so if you're reading this, then I guess I decided to.  Either that or I hit the wrong button by mistake.  Heh, I did that last year when I asked you out to 3rd Street -- I sent a half-finished e-mail to you, and realizing what I'd done, I hurridly called you and told you to delete it, and tried to explain myself.  But you probably don't remember that.

Today has been such a long day.  I could have worked until 9:00 and not gotten all of my work done.  Duc told Donella that it's been slow here for the last few days which is why he wants to bring Flor along to CC with him tomorrow (or today, since you're reading this on Thursday).  Thu Nguyen called me and reminded that I totally forgot a request she had asked me about earlier today.  I hate looking like an idiot to the attorneys.  I assume they think we're all peons anyway, and so for me it's a struggle to try and prove myself.  But I just get knocked back down after shit like that...

I wish I could stop bitching to you about Duc.  But I don't know what else to do.  All of this shit just burns up inside of me, and I feel like I need to let it out before I start punching things again.  <--That would make attorneys think I'm a peon for sure if I broke my hand hitting the wall.  But nobody else can relate even a little, and I know that bitching about it doesn't do me or you any good.  If anything, it's just something to roll your eyes at and quietly wish I'd shut the fuck up.  I know that "saying I'm sorry" is old hat for me, and it's gotten old quickly, but I really try not to make your life any more stressful by bitching about him.  But I just feel so trapped. 

I know, I know, I should just stop bitching about myself.  I'm afraid of being seen by you as just being a total nut like Marta, where you try to distance yourself from me again.  I know you need positive people around you, and I wish I could be one.  But I can't fool myself.

I tried to distance myself from you back in March; it was the day of Lan's farewell party, and I didn't get to talk to you at all during it.  Afterwards you split without a word, and I felt so down.  I knew you'd be quitting soon and moving away, and that I'd have no place anymore in your life after you quit, even if you didn't move away.  I resolved to try and avoid you and not speak to you as much as possible.  For two weeks, I would answer the phone in a depressed voice and acted as unfriendly to you as possible.  I thought maybe it was working.  Then one day you called and just started talking about how upset you were over something Donella said, and all the other heavy drama in your life, and I got sucked right back in.  It's not that I think you're a habit to be avoided or anything; it's just that I was trying to protect myself.

Well, it's just that if you've read all of this so far then you must realize what an incredible dork I am, and you're probably regretting talking to me in the first place.  I wish I could open myself up to you and let you know why I get depressed or down, but I'm afraid of scaring you off again.  That's so pathetic, isn't it?  But maybe that's how insecure I am about our friendship -- if I get too down, I think you'll avoid me.  I'm not trying to pressure you -- how the hell could I do that?  You're strong-minded and stubborn, and since I hardly ever see you, it's not like I could exert any real pressure or coercion on you.  Drop me as a friend if you want, I won't blame you. 

Nothing especially happened today to prompt this huge thing.  I'm certainly not mad at you or anything.  I guess I think I wanted to get a thing or two off my sunken chest when we had lunch of Monday, but I didn't get the opportunity to say anything substantial.  I was too afraid to ruin a nice lunch by bitching about shit that other people don't fully understand. 

You're a smart girl, and maybe you can read between the lines in all of this, if you haven't already done so.  In any case, if you've decided to stick around and read this whole thing, especially with Duc and Flor around, well, then I guess I should be happy with that, since it's more than I would do for myself.

I hope Duc doesn't wear you down out there; I'm sure he won't, because "the problem" likes you, heh...


 
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