- Y'know, I usually start entries in the morning when I'm emotionally feeling
copacetic. But if I only get to finish it at the end of the day,
after dealing with work and Duc
and Akiyo, then
I'm worn down and depressed. Stupid medication wears off. I
wonder if it'd help if I started doubling my doseage...
Fuck, I wanted to try and prove that I'm not a homophobe by telling the story of my old best friend Chris, but it wasn't coming out right, so I erased it. That's one nice thing about computers; if you don't like the way something sounds, you can just change it and nobody knows otherwise. I actually have that problem a lot when I speak; I'll start talking about something, and then I'll realize that I don't know what I'm talking about, or I can't explain it, or the person isn't interested, I'll just say, "Uh, nevermind." Had I been speaking out loud, it would have seemed more than a little weird if I stopped at "...he introduced me to a lot of friends..." and then I decided to suddenly change the subject. I'd never have to worry about putting my foot in my mouth if I only communicated through banging away on a keyboard. Yesterday I called Michelle and got her answering machine. I'm terrible with leaving a message in the first place, because I tend to ramble on like a schizophrenic. But yesterday I ended it by calling her "babe". I've never actually called anyone "babe" before. I mean, I've referred to hotties as "babes" of course, but I've never used it before as an address, like "Hey, babe", or "See you later, babe." I just wanted to reach back into the receiver to try and pull the word out before it reached New York, but since I'm not the Flash, that wasn't happening.
But if I only communicated by typing, I could last forever if I had cybersex; I wouldn't have to worry about apologizing five seconds into the act by saying, "Oh sorry. Uh gee, this has never happened to me before..."
Hmm, somehow this hasn't gotten me to think about best friends. I don't really have a best friend anymore. Most people out there would automatically think Ray is. Ray's definitely done the most for me as a friend, and I've lived with the guy for three years or so. But I know he thinks of me as a pain in the ass, and wouldn't consider me his best friend. And I think to have a "best friend", it's gotta be a mutual feeling, or else it's just kinda pathetic, like an obsessive infatuation with a member of the opposite sex. And God knows I'd never do that...
So yeah, right now I'm best friend-less. Since I've moved out from Texas when I was 10, I've had a number of different best friends: Bryan, Bill, Anthony, Lorne, Mike, Lorne (again), Chris...I'd include Ray except I don't think the feeling was ever that mutual. But he's a good friend, no doubt. I guess I consider Nicole to be my confidant; I'd tell her nearly anything, and I go to her when I feel like I need to talk to somebody. Only problem is, she's a few hundred miles away in Berkeley, and she's got man of her own to share her life with. Not that I'm interested in her that way (c'mon, she's white!)...
Several Hours Later... Um, I got a really scary e-mail from a friend. Uh, I don't wanna talk about it here, but it's on my mind now and making journalling a little tough right now. So I'm gonna cut this short. If you never here from me again, I'm probably in jail. Heh, just kidding...I think.