9/28/99 - I went to UCLA, the number 2 or 3 film school in the country and maybe the world, and I never took one class on film.  I watched a number of Japanese films for a few classes, but the classes themselves were as interesting as Gary Baeur.  In any case, I learned dick about filmmaking.  I had a roommate for a summer who got into UCLA film school; he was a bigger geek than I and it showed - he actually got into the film school, which is like getting into Fort Knox, except with less machine guns. 

I realized today that I should have explored film school, or at least a few classes there, because then I'd be skilled in what might have been my calling: porn directing.  Actually, directing porn is probably anyone's calling.  How hard can it be?  Get one horny guy friend to hold the boom mike, get another horny guy friend to split camera duties with you, and pay some ditz working the Estee Lauder counter to be Make Up. Then you go over the scene:

"OK, first you guys are gonna make small talk.  Then Bob, you're gonna put your hands on her breasts.  Then she's gonna moan and put her finger in her mouth.  Then you're both gonna get naked, groping each other during the process.  Do it however you like.  Then Diamonda, open your legs and have him go down on you.  After a few minutes of that, switch places, and go down on Bob.  Bob up and down for a few minutes, heh.  Sorry, dumb joke.  OK, then switch places again, and start banging her for a few minutes.  When your neck starts to get stiff, Diamonda, turn around and have him take you from behind.  Bob, slap her ass once or twice.  I need both of you to moan and grunt a little, and say "Yeah, baby," like you mean it.  Bob, when you feel like shooting, pull it out and start jerking, and then Diamonda'll turn around again and open her mouth, and Bob will then give us the money shot on her face.  And remember to smile like you like it, Diamonda.  Don't worry, we've got plenty of soap and shampoo in the bathroom."

I haven't watched an unscrambled porn in forever (although forever is a much shorter time for me than it might be for you), but I can tell you that this is how at least 3/4 of all one-on-one sex scenes are shot.  But why am I telling you this, all you perverts already know.

Wow, talk about stating the obvious.

OK, so it's too easy to write about porn.  The story of my life would be a lot tougher.  Who could I get to play me?  God, I dunno.  The fry girl at the dining hall I used to patronize at Washington State said I was a dead ringer for JM J. Bullock, who played Monroe on Two Close for Comfort.  But he's 44 now, so he's probably too old.  Rick Schroeder and I aren't too dissimilar looking (for Hollywood), except that he's got better teeth and less fat.  But you can work around that -- that's what make-up's for (although you'll need someone better than the Estee Lauder girl to swing it).  And he's only 28. 
 

Ricky Haole

I've put on about 20 pounds since that photo, though -- hence the need for make-up.

I'd need a bevy of Asian-American actors to play my comrades.  They're pretty rare in Hollywood -- the stoopid director would probably try to get Jackie Chan to play Ray.  That would actually be kind of cool.  But nah, you'd have to call every casting agent in Hollywood to find some genuine Asian American actors.  Finding ones who can act are even tougher (see Russell Wong).  Garrett Wong and Jason Scott Lee would give me a start -- the former as Das, the latter as Ray.  After that, it's a toss-up -- how many Asian actors under 40 can YOU name?

(Speaking of which, Farand and I tried naming TV shows that had Asian American leads the other night; I came up with Star Trek and Voyager, Barney Miller, Teech, Happy Days (I'll throw in Arnold), Nash Bridges, All-American Girl (unfortunately), The Burning Zone, and After M*A*S*H*.  Farand reminded me of Martial Law and the Green Hornet -- I'm sorry, the Kato Show.  Hawaii Five-O did have a couple, but we never watched it.  How sad is it that Magnum PI didn't have a regular Asian lead?  Stupid white people). 

Oh yeah, and who's the director?  I'm sure any choice I'd like wouldn't make it -- no way would the studio give Spike Lee or Ang Lee a shot.  God, they'd probably curse me with Joel Schmuchacher or Jan De Bont.  God, not that.  I'd take Zalman King over those two.  Hell, at least then I'd get some in the movie. 

Oh yeah, chick roles...hmm, well Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia on Buffy) gets to play Tasha -- Nicole and I both agreed on that's a good match, despite Tasha's protestations.  But I wouldn't let my personal life get in the way of filmmaking, especially not the whims of a woman! Not that Tasha acts like Cordelia -- it's more of a physical thing.  Akiyo...I dunno, she's pretty hard to cast. Maybe Sandra Oh from Arliss and Double Happiness, except with bowling balls in her bra.  I like Sandra and she needs some good work -- and what's better work than starring in my life story?

Oh, and BD Wong as Duc -- I got a chill seeing him as Kico (Ian McKellen's lover) in "And the Band Played On".  Dead ringer for the Pink Napoleon. 

Of course, I wouldn't be allowed to turn in the finished screenplay.  It would get passed around...hmm, maybe they could bring in Stung or Brian (not that the latter needs the work -- heh), but then it'd be given to some butcher who writes for NBC for "rewrites".



BTW, I missed the premier of Stark Raving Mad last week <--The TV show, not this thing..  I didn't know Tony Shalhoub was in it.  I dig him.  Anybody watch it?  (This is not a rhetorical quesion.  If you did see it, e-mail me to let me know.  Thank You, Drive Through).
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