9/30/99 - I am so messed up and so unhappy it is not a laughing matter, although I'm sure it might seem that way to somebody.  I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels like, but I swear I feel like I'm coming down with one.  You know, a cold, the flu, a nervous breakdown...people catch em', and people who don't take care of themselves are more likely to.  And I certainly don't take care of myself. 

Farand and I moved nearly all of my shit from LA over to Ray's house in Cerritos today.  I just went back and picked up my clothes and some odds and ends and shoved them into my tiny Z.  Of course, I need to iron some of the clothes because tomorrow I start work. 

Yeah, I got the job with Ray's law firm.  I start tomorrow;  I wanted to start on Monday, but since the pay period begins on the 1st, they wanted me to start tomorrow, even though it's Friday.   The pay isn't great; it's what I made at Loeb, maybe a little less, but the chance of advancement is much better.  But it's gonna be a lot more stressful work, and that's without some anal midget squawking at me.  Dealing a lot with unhappy clients and companies -- it's beginning paralegal work.  Phone work.  I'm nervous about that. 

But anyhow, I moved into Ray's, but here's the deal -- that ajima is moving in on Saturday, and she in all likelihood will demand her own bathroom <-- it's an ajima thing.  She had dibs on the place first, and she's paying good money, so there's no point in arguing about it.  I can't use Ray's mom's bathroom (which Ray also uses), and no one uses the other bathroom shower b/c Ray's mom wants to keep it clean.  So where do I shower? 

The only option is the local swim park, which costs $1.50 per use.  A $1.50 for a shower each day, at a public shower, with cold water, at a place that's a five minute walk away.  I don't think I have any dignity left.  It's like prison, except I pay for my shower.  On the plus side, instead of large scary inmates looking to make me their princess, it'll be a lot of Asian American kids. 

I'm really poor right now; renting the truck cost me about $100, feeding Farand was another $10, and I don't think I have enough to cover rent for October, so I gotta beg and scrape up the money from someone else.  I'm just a million miles from having any sense of self-worth or dignity.  Tasha, who matters more to me than anything else, is so far away and seems to be getting further away the deeper into the mire I sink.  It's not her; it's just that as I get poorer and poorer, I know that it becomes longer and longer until I can see her.  God, it's not like anything might even happen.  But when you think about someone as much as I do her, it's just so hard to think about the future and if and when I'll see her. 

I love her so much, but I feel so empty inside.  My words to her feel so hollow, not because I don't mean them, but because it's me saying them.   

I'm so tired and sick and I just want to surrender and not have to think about how I've screwed up my life and caused so many other people so many problems.  There are no solutions to my problems, only more and more problems to bury me beneath.  And I don't have the strength to claw my way for air, much less to freedom.

 
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