|Ok, I've never gotten any.
I've never had sex. Never scored. Never lost my cherry or slipped
anyone the hot beef injection. Never bedded, boinked, bopped, freaked,
fornicated, or fucked anyone. Besides a few pecks from strippers,
I've never even been kissed. I could certainly argue that I've never
even had a real date.
And I'm 25. That ain't dog years, either.
Certainly a lot of this ties into my depression and my lack of self-esteem. If I'm sure that I'm don't have a chance with any girl I'm interested in, then I sure as hell ain't gonna make a move on anyone. Call it a vicious circle, a self-fulfilling prophesy, an infinite celibate loop, it all leads up to Haole having a big fat 0 in the game of sex.
When I was younger, I tried to put up the front that I didn't care about sex or girlfriends or that shit, like I was above it all or something. At the same time, I was ogling anything and everyone with a pair of boobs, no matter how small. (Except for Moose Morrison, because his boobs were pretty nasty.) That didn't' mean I wasn't a horny-ass bastard. During all of middle school and high school, for every class I ever had, my attention would drift to my female classmates, and I'd make a list of preferences of which girls I would want to have sex with. I'd make up ridiculous scenarios in my head like, "What if aliens abducted me and I could bring along one girl (or two, or five, etc.). Who would it be?"
As the years went on and my friends became more plentiful and the inevitable subject of girls and sex came up, I started gushing out my long secret crushes and likes. I haven't stopped. As all my friends (and I'm sure the unfortunate readers of this journal) could tell you, I need so shut up about this broad or that, and hurry up and get some.
At work, I occasionally still do that mental game of sorting out the cutest women, in order of preference.
You're never gonna read any hot or juicy stories about me or my sex life, the way you might here. I don't have any. At best, you'll come across the occasional reference to my masturbatory habits, (Assuming that qualifies as "at best". You're a damned sicko if that's true). I dunno if I'm ever gonna get any, either. I'm still really shy and uncomfortable in situations where I'm on the spot. I'm also worried about my teeth (I've got two small gaps from a dental mishap as a kid). The one quasi-sexual experience(s) I've had are one of the few things that are off limits in Stark Raving Mad, do to a promise I've kept. I will tell you that it made me more interested in my own sexuality, and what I might enjoy sexually.
And no, I'm not a homo, so that ain't it.