July 99 - Twenty-four hours after I hung up the phone w/Tasha, I realized something -- the past day was the first day in nearly a year that I wasn't preoccupied with thoughts of Akiyo.  The reason was that my thoughts were instead preoccupied with Tasha. 

Why does God like fucking with me so?  The last two girls I get interested in, and I've never seen them, and I'm prevented from getting near them.  Maybe the e-mail vent to Akiyo helped purify me a little of Akiyo -- sorta lik a pogrom of my hang-ups with her.  And now Tasha enters my life, not just from e-mail but her voice.  How ridiculous will these writings look in a day, or a week, or a year?  Fuck, is my next woman intereste gonna be in fucking Madagascar or something?  Then what, the moons of Jupiter?

Have I been lying to myself all these years about white girls?  Has it all been an irrational, pointless waste?  Ironic thing -- if I had tried to go after white girls as well, then the experiences could have given me confidence to go after Asian girls.  And how do I really feel about them?  Could I treat a white girl as fairly or decently as I could an Asian girl?  And do I really want to objectify Tasha as a "white girl"?

This is just like with Akiyo: the more I talk to her, the more confused about her I get.  The few other people I've discussed her with have been telling me to get all over that. 

  • Question: Could I ever fall for a white girl?  Answer: I already have.
  • Question: Has she lied to me about anything?
  • Question: What is she's disgustingly ugly?
  • Question: Has she been trying to tell me something? Is it possible for me to believe what that might be?
Such a terrible day I'm having, what with all the requests and Duc on the warpath and Akiyo flaking on work today.  But my thoughts continue to wander towards Tasha, and not coincidentally they brighten.  Yesterday I re-read all the e-mails she has sent to me; I printed them out and deleted them to save space on my account.  I was stunned to realize how unbelievably sweet, kind, and caring she has been to me since Day 1.  She helps to reestablish my faith in people, something that's been eroding since I started working with the firm.  I almost cried when I was finished reading a couple of them.  Of course I didn't, cuz I'm a guy and all...<THUMP> <THUMP> <--sounds of me pounding my chest.

The similarities between Tasha and the situation last summer with Akiyo are pretty remarkable.  However, now I'm waiting for it to go horribly wrong.  I'll screw it up, I'll scare her off.  Even if I don't scare her off completely, there will be a wall between us that will be unspoken but insurmountable by me -- just like with Akiyo.

The physical aspect remains a hitch.  I can't deny that.  But she can't be Medusa-like, and beyond that...I don't know.  Akiyo, I finally need to admit, is pretty average in her looks for the most part.  But her beauty comes from within and shines through her eyes.  Could I get lost in Tasha's eyes?  She seems to be the kind with hard edges surrounding a tender center, which is what I want in a woman.

What can I say that's bad about Tasha?  That she uses too many commas in her sentences?  The worst thing is that she's white, and that's something that I need to admit is wrong wtih me, not with her. 

I masturbated last nite about a white girl for the the first times in years.  A faceless lover, but her body and beauty kept me enraptured in ecstasy.  I wanted to give that feeling back to her, to be like no one she had ever had before.  Of course it's like a physically interactive daydream, and I really don't know what she wants, or if I could measure up to that.  But she was everything I wanted and needed.

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